Endings and Beginnings
New things are a-stirrin'. I have a new blog at http://blog.fatoprofugus.net. read more... // comment

Portentiousness Again
Random shit on another day I didn't go to work. read more... // comment

A Single Thread
Adrift at sea. Nothing wrong with that. When the wind comes (and it will come), I'll be ready for it. Until then, I'll be admiring the waves. read more... // comment

Science Fiction Done Right
I wonder if Matt Groening ever read Samuel Delany? read more... // comment

Technology: Friend or Foe?
Cel phone difficulties, Stanislaw Lem's Chain of Chance, and local Chicagoland musical talent. read more... // comment

One Thing At A Time
A resolution. read more... // comment

In the meanwhile, I have to rely on my cel phone read more... // comment

Why I Don't Trust Anybody
Maybe this is all bullshit. And definitely incomplete. Well, at least I feel a little better. read more... // comment

The Eternal Seesaw
At some point, the constant up-and-down motion will probably make me vomit. One can only hope. read more... // comment

Organic Disease
I am in rare form tonight. Man, I'm sad. read more... // comment

A reflection on yesterday's post read more... // comment

Dream Big Dreams
It's sad some of the things that life can beat out of you. read more... // comment

Underneath It All
My second reinstall in over a year since buying my iBook. Now if I could only do the same with my brain. read more... // comment

An attempt to explain my pathology. Sigmund Freud I ain't. read more... // comment

The Dopaminergic Reward Circuit - Revisited
I need an intervention, dude. read more... // comment

Sit Down and Be Still
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Idle hands are the playground of the devil. read more... // comment

Bad things have been done read more... // comment

Betrayal and Other Games We Play
I'm a little dazed by the insanity of it all. read more... // comment

At the Bottom of the 1st Inning, the Score Is...
I'll be OK. Really. Come hell or high water. read more... // comment

Damn It All to Hell
And even though I've raised the white flag and cried uncle, I am still getting beaten down. read more... // comment

I am an Angry Drunk
Help me! I broke apart my insides.... read more... // comment

Coasting to a Stop
Instead of slamming the brakes into the ground. Nothing like the power of inertia. read more... // comment

The Harsh Truth
The root of all my misery. read more... // comment

Getting A Grip
One handhold at a time. This is definitely nowhere near perfect, but it's better than wanting to kill yourself all the time. Oh. And I gave in to my inner demons and bought a digital camera. read more... // comment

You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em
Unfortunately, you have to play them how they were dealt. read more... // comment

Inanity (Circumferential Thoughts)
Narrating today. Striving for enlightenment. read more... // comment

Flight of Ideas (Episode II): I Am Running Out of Titles
I really, really need to start writing things down. I had some pretty deep and interesting thoughts this afternoon, but now they are all gone. Oh, but there is a little teaser about learned helplessness. read more... // comment

Walt Disney Can Kiss My Ass
I can't seem to write myself out of a paper bag. read more... // comment

The Art of Self-Medication - Reprise
Another confession: I have serious problems. But some of you already knew that. Why I don't tell people who are close to me, and yet I'm OK with telling the entire Internet, who knows? read more... // comment

Full Moon Tonight
Contemplation in the darkness. I can't get to sleep. read more... // comment

Jesus, What A Mind Job
Why do I feel like I am once again, in the calm before the storm? I suppose I could be paranoid. read more... // comment

The Art of Self-Medication
OK, OK, I promise I'll stop feeling sorry for myself. Or at least I'll try and cut down. read more... // comment

Rivalling Vogon Poetry
Keep the violins going, damn it. read more... // comment

Stupidity (Letting Her Sink Her Claws Into Me)
A shot in the dark. A phone call. Not that the rug was necessarily pulled out from under, but either way, I'm lying on bare ground. read more... // comment

Scraping By
Things aren't so bad once you get used to them. read more... // comment

To Live and Die in Chicago
A safe landing. It's not as bad to be here as I thought. read more... // comment

Sail On, Sail On
My dog won't let me go to sleep. read more... // comment

The Deep End (Year 227 of the Republic)
And not even anything to dream about. read more... // comment

Despite It All
What if surviving really is as good as it gets? read more... // comment

Fatal Exception Error (Shut It Down! Shut It Down!)
At some point I may require some Haldol. read more... // comment

The Lonely Silence of Night
As I lay me down to sleep. A brief summary of the days gone by. read more... // comment

The Sound of Inevitability
I am a machine(?) read more... // comment

Via Trails
You can't really call it stalking can you? It's not like I'm breaking into their computers or anything.... read more... // comment

Desperation in Outline Form
Confession. Half-serious. read more... // comment

Where Art Thou, My Muse?
Longing desperately for some inspiration read more... // comment

Mind burp. Enough! read more... // comment

Tangents (and Still Barely Even Touching Upon It)
This is crazy. This is crazy. read more... // comment

Just Pretending
Give me one more chance to make it real. (Heh. This entry isn't what you think it is.) read more... // comment

Back to the Open Sea
Sailing / Takes me away / To where I've always heard it could be / Just a dream and the wind to carry me / And soon I will be free read more... // comment

The sequela of a random phone call. read more... // comment

Do the Right Thing
A rationalization. read more... // comment

Let's Pretend It Never Happened
Like they say, there's no problem so big that you can't run away from it. read more... // comment

There is just nothing left to say. read more... // comment

This is the Way the World Ends
Happiness continues to elude our hapless hero. Perhaps all I can really hope for is "Shantih, shantih, shantih." read more... // comment

OK, Maybe I Am Crazy
Yeah, it's solipsistic and egotistical to ask, but "Why does this shit always happen to me?" read more... // comment

Outbound on the Edens
Obvious rantings of a lunatic. All I'm learning is how to be crazy. read more... // comment

Kilroy Was Here
This is pretty much about nothing. read more... // comment

Despite It All, There Is Still Hope
Sure, I'm not dying, I just can't think of anything better to do. read more... // comment

Jumping to Conclusions
Just don't do it. To assume makes an ass out of u and me. (Yes I know that what I've written is incoherent and driveling. So be it.) read more... // comment

Whiplash (Do You Hear That Rubberband Snap?)
I, sir, am officially a sucker. P.T. Barnum would've loved me. read more... // comment

Word Salad (This Bird Has Flown)
Little snippets of things that make little to no sense. read more... // comment

Always Have a Plan (Simple Pleasures)
I need to reverse this paralysis, need to shake off this fear of the future. read more... // comment

Keeping Score
A good day after all. read more... // comment

Voices in My Head
Bits and pieces of me keep passing out. Random quotes and song lyrics that happen to be very appropriate commentary on my life. And, once again, I need to take a break, but, once again, I am probably not going to. read more... // comment

Responding to Internal Stimuli
Seriously. The next time something like this happens, I need you to take a brick to my head. I mean it. read more... // comment

Confounding Factors (with a Quick Primer on Psychoses)
The fine difference between an illusion and a hallucination. I need to get this shit out of my head, and I'm not talking about those damned voices. read more... // comment

Trail of Crumbs
None of this really matters, all happiness is effervescent. But some day I fear a player will be born. read more... // comment

The Road Goes Ever On and Onâ€â€Revisited
Ah, to return from exile. Does nothing ever last? At least longer than an effervescent moment? read more... // comment

Signs of an Intractable Situation
It's all so simple, and yet.... read more... // comment

I can't stay/And keep living this lie/I finally found the strength to say goodbye/I'm on my way/Nothing can change my mind/I'm leaving behind what we had/Yesterday read more... // comment

If Seurat Had Written A Blog
A rather heavy-handed analogy. Impressions of an evening wobbling out of control. read more... // comment

Movie Night
In tribute to Virginia Madsen. read more... // comment

My Life Is Whack
That's right, folks. Tear your hair out along with me. read more... // comment

Time Marches On
Taking my head out of my ass at least to catch a breath. read more... // comment

Game Over
And yet: Insert Coin to Continue. Damn. read more... // comment

I'll Send an S.O.S. to the World
I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle. read more... // comment

These Dreams
As real as it seems, it was only in my dreams. (Help me, help me! I'm trapped in the 1980's!) read more... // comment

I know what is going to happen, but I guarantee I'm still going to feel like crap. read more... // comment

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
See the luck I've had would make a good man turn bad. read more... // comment

Curiouser and Curiouser
I am Alice in fucking Wonderland right now. It's only a matter of time until the shit hits the fan and the Jabberwock comes chomping on my ass. read more... // comment

The Matrix Reloadedâ€â€Unreal City (SPOILERS!)
The Prophecy shall be fulfilled. Every city is a manifestation of Unreal Cityâ€â€Babylon, Rome, London, New York, Chicago, L.A., everywhere and nowhere. read more... // comment

Fear not of men because men must die. read more... // comment

I'm Not the One Who's Crazy!
Schizophrenia. Maybe I do need to be on medication. read more... // comment

The Spell Is Broken
The end of another chapter. Time continues to fly. read more... // comment

The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of Adhesions)
The more things change... read more... // comment

Excess Baggage
I really am a godforsaken packrat. read more... // comment

Better Luck Tomorrow
Mental flatus regarding the acclaimed movie by Asian American director Justin Lin. read more... // comment

More Apophenia
"The Ring," "Ringu," Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, Pattern Recognition by William Gibson, and all sorts of random trivia emanating from my obviously cracked brain read more... // comment

Good Friday (Delayed Reaction)
Crucifixion on my mind. read more... // comment

Signs and Symptoms
More brain barf. Yes I know I promised to stop thinking. Especially about women. Especially about what they're thinking. read more... // comment

Instant Messaging Fun
Random madness between two strange individuals. read more... // comment

When you're at the top, where else can you go? (I'm not a religious man, but if you can hear me... save me Superman!) read more... // comment

Why Can't My Life Be Simple (Chronic Blogorrhea)
I am so damned tired. I need a vacation. But time waits for no one. read more... // comment

Sunday Afternoon
Reflection. Oh my. My brain is not working. read more... // comment

The Catcher in the Rye
I need to figure out why I want to do Pediatrics. read more... // comment

Short Takes: Music, Decisions
A couple of brain burps. read more... // comment

Burning Out
Sometimes you just gotta curl up into a little ball and cry yourself to sleep. Then it's easier to pull yourself together the next. read more... // comment

Counting on One Hand
The number of single friends I have continues to diminish. read more... // comment

No business as usual, but life still needs to be lived, I suppose. read more... // comment

Shock and Awe
This sequel sucks. read more... // comment

Just when you thought it was over. read more... // comment

Assessment: Acute Confusional State - Resolved
You just told me he was the most horrible person you know. You're getting back together with him. Makes perfect sense to me. read more... // comment

I Will Never Understand
It is impossible to change someone if they don't want to change. How tragic. read more... // comment

Anonymity and the Wonderfully Bizarre Age of Information
How to keep blog personae anonymous. Still looking for solutions. read more... // comment

The Universe Is a Big Doughnut
Delirium AKA acute confusional state. (I wonder how Dream's little sister feelsabout her new name? Read "Sandman" by Neil Gaiman to figure what the hell I'm talking about.) read more... // comment

The last days of the Republic. Bread and circuses. Instead of gladiators going at it, we have common folk humiliating each other and selling each other out. read more... // comment

Ay Caramba!
I guess one of my favorite hobbies is feeling sorry for myself. Gah. read more... // comment

There Is No Hope
It is all meaningless distraction. Samsara. It is the state of nothingness that I seek. read more... // comment

Navel gazing as the storm broods outside my doorstep. read more... // comment

Whither George Jetson?
Not exactly what I pictured when I was a little kid, but the future is a pretty interesting place. read more... // comment

Why Gandalf Chose Not to Remove Saddam Hussein
If you're going to parody something, either use the source material in a completely bizarre and unrelated way, or try to stay true to the source so that all the allusions are consistent read more... // comment

False Spring
Another resolution. read more... // comment

The Edge
More than anything else, this is what I'll never feel again. read more... // comment

I can't get to sleep/I think about the implications/of diving in too deep/and possibly the complications//Especially at night/I worry over situations/I know I'll be all right/Perhaps it's just imagination. read more... // comment

Vague Description
I am trying to understand the Way. read more... // comment

Paranoid Android
I want to say more, but I don't know who is reading this. Damn it. read more... // comment

The Revolution Will Be Blogged
The People have made their Will known. read more... // comment

The Art of Not Wanting: The Saga Continues
Fuck this shit. read more... // comment

Hmmm. Pure parietal lobe? Or frontal lobe causing severe depression? This is the problem of being a medical student. read more... // comment

Happy Birthday, Abe
And then another holiday two days from now. Am I doomed? Am I just going to let another one slip away? Or am I just having another delusionary, solipsistic moment? read more... // comment

Vast Uncharted Expanse
Down the road that I dared not go. read more... // comment

I don't want to hope for impossible things, and yet I can't ignore it either. read more... // comment

For the men and women who risked their lives in pursuit of a pure dream. read more... // comment

The Last Days of the Republic
Et tu, Brute? Et tu? read more... // comment


We spend quite a bit of our lives just waiting. Oh well. read more... // comment

America the Beautiful
We hold these Truths to be self-evident: that all men (and women) are created equal. read more... // comment

The Quest for Long Underwear
Briefly, there is a hiatus. read more... // comment

Two Weeks In
Again. Meh-moo-rreez.... read more... // comment

The Drunken Blog
I am so very tired of this shit, and yet, for some reason, I can't stay away. I am so doomed. read more... // comment

Imperfect God
The incredible communication gap between mortal and immortal. read more... // comment

2001: A Time Odyssey
"Solaris" by Stanislaw Lem, and unexpected dream, and my 2001 CD. read more... // comment

Serenity Now!
Oh yes. I am a bitter, resentful bastard. read more... // comment

Long December
... and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. read more... // comment

So This Is Christmas
This is the Day. read more... // comment

The Christmas Before Last (Do Not Read This If You Want to Be Happy)
Oooh. I am in rare form today. Here's to the darkness and the never ending void. "Out of doubt, out of dark to the day's rising/I came singing in the sun, sword unsheathing./To hope's end I rode and to heart's breaking...." -- J.R.R. Tolkien from "The Lord of the Rings" read more... // comment

The Longest Night
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why. read more... // comment

Only This and Nothing More
To all the girls I've loved before.... read more... // comment


"Are you postal today?" the on-call resident asked the post-call resident. No, I suppose none of this is really coherent at all. read more... // comment

Hedging My Bets
I am deathly afraid of having to lay all my cards out on the table. read more... // comment

I Don't Care (Right)
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I'll post this anyways. read more... // comment

In the Maw of Melodrama
If I could only stop picking at my scabs, I wonder if there is a chance I might heal? read more... // comment

Sweet Honesty
A couple of cigarettes and a lot of booze, and all of the sudden all my secrets come out. read more... // comment

Inspiration strikes at odd hours. I have said this once before. I hope I do not live to regret it. And I mean that last sentence in all the ways it can be interpreted. read more... // comment

The Guilelessness of Fatigue
The rush of adrenaline as you escape the city at 70 mph, barreling down the Interstate into the high desert, where there are tumultous rain storms, blasting winds, and wondrous mirages. This is how I feel at this moment, metaphorically speaking. May God have mercy on my soul. read more... // comment

Over and over again. read more... // comment

Paper Thin
I think I am wearing down. read more... // comment

Manual Disimpaction
This is what happens when you don't get restful sleep. read more... // comment

Wound Check - Post Op Day 1
Recurrent acute mental emesis (another brain barf) read more... // comment

Completely Shot Out
Quiet thoughts from the middle of the night. read more... // comment

Annum III in Exilio (What the Hell Am I Doing with My Life?)
Oh, no. Not again. (Very famous last words attributed to a bowl of petunias which I will quote again and again incessantly.) read more... // comment

Orange County is not L.A.
I really hate it when people from O.C. claim they're from L.A. read more... // comment

Seventeen Dollars Worth of Chemicals
What fueled the emergence of self? read more... // comment

On Digital Rectal Exams
digital root word digit, from Middle English, from Latin digitus finger, toe. (Courtesy of The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.) We don't stick computer probes up there, just fingers. read more... // comment

The Way of the Gun
Don't shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me. read more... // comment

Altered Mental Status
You know who you are. If only I had the strength to pull the arrow out of my heart. read more...

Holistic Detection
More quotes. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, one person's rampant chaos and discord is another person's exquisite order and harmony. And randomness to one person may be clear direction to another. (Hence, the unending battle between evolutionists and creationists.) read more...

Synchronicity - Episode IV - A New Hope
The word, and all its attendant madness.

The Fall of the Republic - Continued
The Advent of the Empire. "A little rebellion now is a good thing" -- Thomas Jefferson read more...

The Art of Not Wanting Revisited
I didn't come up with it myself.

Alone again on a Friday night.

Random garbage spewed on the city streets today.

A little momentary brain burp.

Acute Brain Obstruction
That's all she wrote.

Essential Hyper-Emptiness
A common disease with no known cure.

A Thin Line
Between entertainment and trauma.

More melodrama.

Portentiousness (Chapter 1)
I get knocked down, then I get up again. read more...

Typical Scenario
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. read more...

Days go by.

The Number of the Beast
Cause a 252 ain't worth your soul, a 252 ain't worth your soul, a 252 ain't worth it. read more...

Fuck It/Fight It
It's all the same.

Tirade of the Broken Soul
I can't do it. I'm trying, but I just feel like I'm slipping down the chute with every passing day. read more...

Play On
You know, there's a perfectly logical explanation for why men are dogs. read more...

On the road again. Err. In the air again? read more...

Sunset Blvd.
I drive through her streets 'cause she's my companion/I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am.... read more...

More Loneliness
...than any man can bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair. I'll send an S.O.S. out to the world.... read more...

The brain barf begins.

Champagne Supernova
Go Lakers! I love L.A.!

Blowing Chunks
Even more fear and loathing in Las Vegas.