OK, Maybe I Am Crazy

Wed Jun 18 2003 11:03PM -0600

Yep. I was on the verge of a psychotic break. Persecutory delusions. Visual hallucinations. I was about ready to get in my car, drive to the nearest ER and tell the triage nurse "They're out to get me. I want to kill myself," earning myself a nice 5-day vacation in the acute in-patient psych ward, restrained, watched 1-to-1 and snowed by psychotropic medication. Mmmm.

Really, though. I think I may have serious anger management problems. But bear with me.

So my sister is leaving for the Philippines tonight, by herself, without knowing any of the requisite magic to get past customs and to leave the baggage claim without losing any of her shit. I mean, despite all the mean things I say to her and how I make fun of her, I really do love her. (And she reciprocates in like fashion. At least when it comes to verbal abuse and physical violence. I'm just assuming that she loves me in return.) So of course I want to call her before she takes off.

AT&T Wireless refused to cooperate.

My signal peaked at one bar. I must've called my sister's phone, my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone about twelve to twenty times a piece, and not one of my calls lasted more than sixteen seconds. I tried calling from outside, on the balcony, on the street. No dice. Fine. In one of those sixteen second phone calls, I try to tell my family to call my landline at my apartment. Ring, ring. I pick up on my cordless phone. Of course, for some deranged reason, despite the fact that the phone has been sitting in its cradle for weeks now completely unused, the battery is dead. Ring, ring. I run to my roommate's room (i.e., of the roommate that I like) and try his cordless phone. The talk button doesn't do anything and the phone keeps ringing until the machine picks up.

This is about when I start losing it.

Because I can't call out long distance through the landline, I look for my calling card, which I haven't used in over four years, and after much tearing up of my room, I manage to dig it out. Apparently the only phone that works in the house is my roomate's corded phone (i.e., of the roommate that I completely and utterly despise) and I hate having to go into his room, but, fuck it, my sister is flying halfway across the world and I won't see her for at least three months (and possibly longer, if you believe any of her insane schemes of staying in the RP indefinitely.) Dial in the phone number. Dial in the calling card number. I can't remember my PIN. I don't even know if I even set up a PIN. At this point my visual fields starting turning red with rage.

Back to the cel phone. Fluctuating between 0 and 1 bar. I try calling out about thirty to fifty times until I am so pissed off that I hurl my phone against the wall. It literally disappears. Deep down, I was pretty sure it merely slid under one of the sofas, but a part of me wanted to believe that the thing either disintegrated or disappeared into thin air. I dig up a couple more calling cards, but I can't for the life of me remember any of my PINs. At this point I have no choice but to scream out loud. I wonder if my neighbors were disturbed.

So of course now I have to find my cel phone, which involves sliding all the furniture in the living room section all over the place, and I am at the point where I am contemplating just chucking the coffee table through the window instead of repeatedly moving it around as I slide the sofas this way and that.

I turn the damned thing on (some plastic piece fell off, but it was otherwise remarkably intact) and, of course, three to four bars. (I dunno, maybe sometimes freaking out and wreaking havoc does pay off?) I call my dad's cel phone. Apparently my sister has already gone through customs. I am completely crestfallen, as I didn't get a chance to wish her a good trip. The tone of my voice is very flat. I feel like shit.

But luckily, my sister still had her cel phone on, so she eventually called me before she got to her gate.

I feel spent.

Now, before you think I am completely crazy and need to be locked up like the violent criminal that I am, some background:

  1. My phone has been giving me reception problems for some time now, but lazy bastard that I amâ€â€not to mention the fact that I probably have avoidant personality disorder and am somewhat a social phobicâ€â€I haven't called AT&T Wireless about it. That and the fact that I haven't yet paid my almost $200 cel phone bill from, I believe, April.
  2. I have an exam on Friday. Granted, I kind of don't give two shits about said exam (because, for various reasons, my head is currently up my assâ€â€more on that later) but still, it looms. Little black cloud. Little black cloud. (Just how familiar are you with Disney's perversion of Winnie the Pooh?)
  3. I have just gotten pimp-slapped by the whole bureacracy involved in getting my 4th year rotations set up. Not that I have any set up. But I need signatures, and for various reasons (i.e., the people whose signatures I need are on vacation) I cannot get them, and I need them very badly, before Monday, otherwise I will need to forego my almost $300 non-refundable, non-exchangeable flight to L.A. and get this shit taken care of, and I tell you, I will hate, hate, hate the world if that happens. If you think I am raging now, FUCK.
  4. I am embroiled in a ridiculous non-situation that is only likely to end very badly for me in some way (and which I have very vaguely and tangentially narrated thus far) which is unfortunately apparently a frequently recurring motif in my pathetic life. Sadly, this non-situation is actually my only surcease of sorrow right now, and deep down in my soul, I know that this is a grave sign that I am seriously fucked in the head.
  5. I am very much deeply in HATE with one of my roommates. Said roommate also owns a gun, which he keeps in the apartment, apparently. Might lead to some interesting situations. Especially given the fact that I may very well have a borderline personality, and that I have diagnosed him with some sort of problem on the schizophrenic spectrum of disorders.

I knew this kind of shit would happen though. Yeah, yeah, self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe. Still, why can't anything last and hold together for at least a couple of days?

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