Full Moon Tonight

Sun Jul 13 2003 02:30AM -0600

Driving home, just the guys, from a movie ("Pirates of the Caribbean" I can never spell Caribbean right for some reason. Apparently Disney is now left with making movies out of their theme park ridesâ€â€see also "Haunted Mansion" starring Eddie Murphy.) I was staring at the moon, trying to think. It never really solves anything. It's not enough to be right here, right now, sometimes. I keep wanting to know what going to happen next.

What is it that makes me uneasy about where I am now? Why can't I be content with my life as it is? Content that this is the way it's gonna be. Not in it's particulars, but just in the general shape and form. That from here on out, it very well might not change all that much. I have my career. While, truthfully, the actual location of where I am going to be is somewhat up for grabs, chances are, I will return home. I suppose a part of me is frustrated with that. I suppose I am not used to taking the so-called easy way (though even this is likely fraught with difficulties.) A part of me feels cowardly, maybe even a little broken. A year ago perhaps, I would not have made this decision. I would have tried to push the limits, would have tried to stretch myself further. But I don't know. Maybe in some ways, I am defeated. Maybe it's just the weariness that overcomes you when you're in the home stretch. Despite the fact that I've come this far, I keep thinking that I'm not gonna make it to the finish line, that I'm gonna just fall on my face right here, tired and drained.

Oh, I can perhaps keep my stride, not think about finishing, just keep going, conserving my strength. But just the thought of everything on my tail, gaining on me, saps my will. No matter how far you run, I suppose certain things will always, always catch up to you.

I don't know. Melodrama. I have no idea what I'm trying to say. Even with everything going mostly right, I just have this feeling that something is missing. I can't describe what it could possibly be. I truly have no inkling. But I just feel like I've overlooked something. Maybe I am just ultimately paranoid. Oh well.

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