Fuck It/Fight It

Tue Jun 25 2002 10:33PM -0600

I feel like I'm spinning down the drain.

But I've given up on trying to figure out things. I just want to be on the go, drawing up plans and executing them. This is no time for perfectionism, no time for making sure all the relevant data is in. I just want to go. My patience has run thin.

I feel like it's only a matter of time until something snaps or crashes.

So today, again, I packed up more of my shit and headed down to Wicker Park. I don't know why I accumulated so much shit in three years here in the godforsaken middle of nowhere, but somehow it's all multiplied from one carload which I took 2/3 of the way across the country. Now, I've already taken down two carloads, and I probably have to bring down at least two more, not to mention my furniture.

I don't know why I've forgotten so many of the useful things I've learned. Like not having so much shit. Oh well.

But, yeah, I don't know if it's simply the rapid clip at which development occurs, or whether I misjudged exactly how gentrified Wicker Park is. I had previously envisioned it as similar to L.A.'s Melrose Ave. before it got really popular. But Wicker Park has parts that look almost exactly like Hoboken, NJ: condos and yuppies all over the place. Of course, what is really different is that the former residents haven't been displaced, at least not completely. In some ways, it feels like a post-colonial developing country.

But I'm excited. It's my chance to start all over and figure things out. I feel like this past year has just been one debacle after another, and I seriously feel critically wounded by it. I'm not going to waste too much time trying to deconstruct what exactly happened, even though maybe I should. I'm just going to try to build on top of the ruins of my soul. Not exactly the most stable foundation, but I just feel like I don't have time....

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