Acute Brain Obstruction

Wed Aug 14 2002 08:14PM -0600

I tried to hold off, thinking that somehow if I just held it all in, it would either go away, or I would explode, but I guess I should just try and write something down, no matter how vague or pointless. I've sort of coasted through the last month of so with no intention of analyzing how drastically my perspective has changed. I just wanted to ride this thing out, see where I would eventually land. (Because there is no such thing as a perpetual motion machine, and entropy eventually wins.)

At this point in time, I can no longer tell the difference between truth and rationalization, and I don't know whether I'm relaxed because I'm really relaxed, or because I'm forcing myself to be relaxed even though I really should be panicking and kicking and screaming. I have been trying to avoid the big picture, and in the rare moments where I have no choice but to face it, all I've been doing is fronting, and pretending that I'm braver than I really am.

In the end of it all, my mantra has become, "Who cares?" There are very few things that elicit any sort of emotion from me these days, and while on one hand it might be sad, on the other hand, this is probably the closest I've come to feeling completely at peace.

And even as I write this, I have a feeling that it won't be true, but I don't want to write here anymore.

Signing off. At least for now.

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