Jumping to Conclusions

Wed Jun 11 2003 00:16AM -0600

I can't stand this feeling of complete powerlessness. (I was going to write "impotence" instead of "powerlessness" but I really didn't want to inadvertantly inject phallic imagery. OK, I admit it. I am making no sense.)

What I need is a heaping tablespoon of self-confidence.

Sorry. My brain really is addled. I would use the excuse that it's because I'm around crazy people all the time now, but I know that I've always teetered on the edge of sanity. (Now I feel like a single breath would send me tumbling over the edge.)

So I am semi-purposefully being vague and circumspect. I cannot, dare not, write what is going on in my head. To actually write it down would give form to the demon. ("The choice is made. The Traveller has come."â€â€man, I'm having a severe case of '80's flashbacks.)

As N is wont to say, "It will all end in tears."

Still, days like this, I forget what the cold hard winter is like. I love this town.

But things are destined to change, for ill or for good, and the looming precipice is not far off. The so-called mathematical catastrophe. The singularity. Meaning, it is impossible to predict what is going to happen afterward. It could go in any direction, really, and so I don't want to hold on to anything too tightly.

As A remarked in another context entirely, "You haven't been able to cut the cord, have you?"

Then again, I might as well hold on until everything gets sucked into the black hole anyway.

In other news, I of course bought "Hail to the Thief" by Radiohead today, although I have yet to listen to it. And here I am, saying that I will go to sleep before midnight. I keep making promises that I find impossible to keep.

I am suddenly afraid. That's really all there is to it.

(Despite my misgivings and my paranoid delusions, today was, once again, a good day. That makes 3 so far.)

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