I Don't Care (Right)

Wed Dec 04 2002 07:11PM -0600

So what, I am, technically and essentially, drunk. Despite all the episodes of alcohol-induced pancreatitis and alcoholic cirrhosis and delirium tremens that I've had the pleasure of overseeing this past month, I thought that it would be a good idea to have a little wine tonight for no particular reason. Yes, I admit it. I may very well have a problem.

But I must say, this problem is a lot deeper than substance abuse. Right not, I find myself entirely dysphoric when I'm not in the hospital. This rotation seems to be the only thing that makes me even remotely happy, despite the fact that it is working me to the bone, and my chances of obtaining a satisfactory evaluation is very dicey at best. What can I say. I am what I do. I only feel good when I'm pretending to be a doctor, or when I'm writing, and even then it's a constant struggle.

So for some reason I find it particularly crucial that I give up all hope that I will meet a woman who will actually be even remotely interested in me. I mean, sure, there are plenty of women I wouldn't mind hooking up with, but the sad fact of the matter is that for almost 100% of the time, they are scarcely interested in me.

The Art of Not Wanting, I suppose.

Now let me qualify all this with the fact that, not only have I consumed about half a bottle of wine, but I am also post-call (yes, I have been in the hospital for about 34 hours). So if I am making absolutely no sense, don't worry, you are not insane.

But, God! I have seen some horrible things. It's horrible to the point of being ridiculous and, in an extremely macabre fashion, homorous. I have seen people approach the very brink of death, only to be brought back. Despite the fact that it might actually better if they went ahead and died.

Yes, this is the frame of mind I'm in.

Life is precious, but, seriously, it's not worth suffering grievously for. I mean it.

Sign your advance directives, folks. Otherwise, more likely than not, someone will end up breaking your ribs.

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