Hedging My Bets

Fri Dec 06 2002 10:03AM -0600

Times like this, at the beginning of a new... I don't know what to call it. Phase? Cycle? (For some reason, since May, things seem to ebb and flow every 20 days) Anyway, times like this, it gets harder and harder to believe that things will actually work out the way I want them to. And yet at the same time, I am well aware that being overly cautious is similarly fraught with peril and bound to failure.

And still, it is relieving to know that if I don't want it, I can't be disappointed. It is important to know one's limitation, I suppose.

You would think, with my propensity towards chaos (I mean, look how rambling this particular post is, for example), you would think that I would be used to things never turning out the way I thought they would. You would think that stability isn't what I want, that I actually like this completely unpredictable madness commonly known as Lifeâ„¢ and thrive in its exhilarating roller-coaster-like ups-and-downs. Which, if I think about it hard enough, is true.

The thing is, constantly oscillating between profound and paralyzing depression to completely insane and frothing-at-the-mouth mania makes it really difficult to find a woman who might actually be interested. (There I go again, thinking with my sacral nervous system. Ah, to be bereft of gonads, what would life be like?)

Anyway, ultimately, it is a cold and lonely existence. Other than spewing this disjointed, nearly incomprehensible gibberish onto the net, there's really no other way for me to share the Big Pictureâ„¢ with anyone. How do you get someone to trust you when you are verging on being completely insane?

Ah, hell. I forgot why I started writing this in the first place. My thoughts lead me to the idea that perhaps Kurt Cobain embedded some wise pieces of advice in the following song:

I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends
They're in my head
-- from "Lithium" by Nirvana

Egads. My definition of a soulmate: someone who sees past how completely insane and unfit for the world you are, and sees that you are actually a good person.

In any case, I'm not holding my breath. It's only these moments when I'm crazy enough to hope against all hope that really kill me in the end.

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