There is this certainty that I am doomed, that, all-in-all, this year was an utter fantastic waste, and yes, it's never enough, no matter all the small victories I achieved, the massive defeats are all that I will remember.

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
--from "A Long December" by Counting Crows

I really have to stop hoping for things that will never happen.

Random fact to note: I have not slept in my own bed in a good 58 hours and counting. And in that time, I have been drunk, hung-over, and now delirious from being post-call.

I have at last tasted absinthe. No, I did not have any new visions. (Instead, I had a bunch of old visions rahashed. It was good.

I have seen that it is possible to survive the madness of residency without selling your soul. I have at last found my compatriots, and perhaps the compass is now pointing in a particular direction.

Let me say this: no matter how sweet she is, and no matter how virtuous, no matter how much she might care about you, a woman can always break your heart.

I no longer dare to try.

Notice that this is not going in any particular order.

But, yeah, last night, I essentially hung around some happy, fulfilled attending physicians who are having the time of their lives, and like they said, to see them gives me great hope. In the very least, I'll be able to find something I like doing.

But, yeah, this post is pretty worthless. There is no rhyme or reason. My course is set, my doom is wrought.

Addendum 2002.12.08 The other thing is that it feels really good to have a woman care about you, even if it's for the briefest space in time. To have her tuck you into bed as you lie obtunded, to have her bring you food. In a way, I can see the allure of lying in a hospital bed, at least for a while. But, I'm not just talking about hospitalization, I suppose. There have been some such gestures made in the past, and I don't know how to take them, really. In the end, I am an egotist, and I suppose I can't help but wonder if I meant anything to them, or whether it's because they're just nice people who would do the same for anyone in need. In the end, I just want to abdicate responsibility. I have yet to learn the synergy of actions and words. Whatever. (Vague, vague, vague) Bleh. And yes, in the end, I need to forget about it, because whatever it meant when it happened, it surely means nothing now. Damn me.