A Thin Line

Sat Jul 06 2002 11:52AM -0600

When it comes to drama, there is a fine line between entertainment and trauma.

I don't know why I can't learn. Still reeling from a hard blow to the heart, I've wandered into another minefield. Maybe this is how Hitler felt. I feel like I'm fighting a three-front war, and the only thing I can really look forward to is one of the fronts breaking down in a rout.

For one thing, I'm not really over my last emotional fiasco. I mean, there's absolutely nothing I can do right now, so it's sad and pathetic that I still care. I am a bitter, bitter man. For now, all I can do is enumerate my wounds and figure out which to treat first. It must be a bittersweet thing, a double-edged sword, to be a casualty, writhing in intense pain and agony, but at the same time being aware that you aren't going to die any time soon.

For another thing, it seems like I have a demented penchant for love triangles. I swear, why can't I learn? Worse case scenario, this could just nuke everything, and even in the best case, things can't help but change. The worst thing is that this is the one quantifiable situation, the one thing that isn't just anchored in my brain. This is a real situation, with which I look upon with not a little trepidation.

Lastly. I am, once again, totally falling for this woman. I mean, with all the things I've learned this past year, you would think that I would refrain, that my soul would finally learn to stay in it's turtle's shell, that I wouldn't let myself get ensnared by stray misdirected smiles and hugs. By now, I'm almost sure that I have a fatalistic predilection for Women Who Do Not See Me That Way, and I have this ridiculous feeling that one more rejection really just might kill me. And yet, I can't sleep, I can't relax, I can only listen to love songs, I just want to hang around her all the time, my heart feels like bursting half the time, and I want to tell her everything. And yet, and yet, I am caught in my own emotional defenses, and I'm having the damndest time trying to win free. The ever-ticking clock refuses to slow, and I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of my own annihilation.

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