The Art of Not Wanting: The Saga Continues

Sat Feb 15 2003 02:46PM -0600

How do you stop yourself from wanting something you want very badly?

I swear. What is it with me and Februaries?

The problem with misery is that it feeds upon itself, growing stronger. I mean, in all honesty, I really didn't care too much about yesterday. All I wanted to do was get drunk and then pass out and go to sleep. Honestly, a simple plan. But all of the sudden I found myself surrounded by others who had their own particular miseries, and while I try to be sympathetic, such talk does nothing but excoriate (I just wanted to use that word) and downright lacerate my heart.

So I have been thinking of things that I really shouldn't be thinking of, and in the end, without a callosectomy, it is close to impossible to lie to yourself. Unless you actually succeed in convincing yourself it's the truth.

And it is a depressing thing that I am trying to convince myself of. It is something I do not want to be true, and yet I can't help but feel that if I just accept it, life will be easier to get through.

Which is: I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Which is, in the final analysis, not horrible. (In the End, we are alone, after all...) But what I don't like is this feeling that I really don't have a choice in the matter.

To put it another way: why can't things ever work out? And if they aren't supposed to work out, why can't I figure that out from the onset, instead of hanging my hat on completely delusional hopes?

The strange thing is that misery evolves with time. Once upon a time, this thought would've felt like a knife in the chest, the kind of thing that makes you want to collapse to the ground and weep. These days, this kind of thought just feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders, a burdensome yoke that I have carried for years, with no surcease in sight. It makes me feel old and tired.

Bah. I'm sick of this shit. I'm tired of being angry or upset about this. If somehow I could just expunge this idea from my mind forever and not even care. Now that would be something.

Random New Word of the Day: aldermanic (i.e., an adjective referring to an alder) Which looks to me like aldermanic, as if it were some kind of mood disorder. Yes, citywide campaigning is in full swing in Chicago.

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