The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of Adhesions)

Sat May 03 2003 11:15AM -0600

Where to begin.

This image arose spontaneously as I was talking to my ex-girlfriend, finally putting certain things to rest. But this is not that story (at least not entirely.)

This is the unstuck piece of tape: you know how if you pull a piece of masking tape and sometimes the adherent surface gets stuck to itself? Well, my soul is a piece of tape, and I feel like a lot of the sticky parts have suddenly become unstuck.

Which is definitely not to say that I have my life all ironed out. More accurately, at this point, my life is an incredible morass of things-that-need-to-get-done-that-haven't. I have no idea where I'm going, in a physical, emotional, and philosophical sense.

But, being unstuck, I now feel freer, for some inarticulable reason. Which is not to say that freedom is not fraught with it's own dangers. There must be some happy medium between being constrained by Fate and being able to decide whatever-the-fuck one wants.

Because if it were left up to me, I would just lie here and soak up the sun and not give a damn.

Still, I have once again found myself in a situation that, from one perspective, is replete with high-drama, but from another, is not really a situation at all. It is an idea at best (although becoming increasingly shared). Nothing has really happened. At least nothing that I haven't done a thousand times before. (And still, how can I really be sure since everyone reacts differently to my automaticisms?)

And yet, a silly, small part of me hopes for things that probably shouldn't be hoped for. This dangerous hope has perhaps been sustaining me through these trying times, and yet I know that hope can be misleading. (Still, basta humihinga ka, may asa pa. As long as you're breathing, there's still hope.)

So I am holding things in abeyance. The only thing I can believe is myself, the only pattern I have to go by is how things have turned out for me in the past. Not exactly encouraging, but I can't help but think it's better than nothing.

And still, things arc out in very unpredictable ways. Pieces of the past that you didn't think mattered anymore will float back up to the surface.

Yeah, I don't what I'm trying to say. The best I can do is take things day by day.

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