Thu Jun 27 2002 07:09AM -0600

It occurs to me that it's been a week since I went on my spur of the moment sojourn to New York. In a fit of mania, I agreed to drive thirteen hours to the city that never sleeps. This is right after I woke up in L.A., had lunch in San Francisco (at the airport), then landed in Chicago.

Maybe sometime I will record the minutiae of the trip, but suffice to say, I think it propelled me into my current mind set.

After attending a poetry slam at the Nuyorican, it hit me that for the past year, I haven't been doing things that I enjoy. Like hanging out in Chicago. Like writing. I feel like I've managed to break my creative spirit. No matter how far down I reach, I can't seem to string the words properly to come up with something. Even when inspiration strikes, I feel stuck. Mental constipation.

Now, I don't know if this is simply because of my current situation, what with this whole med school imbroglio, and this feeling of essential loneliness. (I was gonna go into how I feel like I've only made one real connection in the three years I've been here, but that was brief and ephemeral, as I managed to fuck it up, or something. Or maybe it's just Fate, and once again I'm on the losing end. But I'll leave it at that.)

So what to do? I am compelled to follow my standard strategy for dealing with crises: get the hell out.

So I am trying to find my own private place in this world, trying to carve out my own little niche, and as I'm moving into the city, I can start anew. Clear the slate. Start at Square One.

I am teetering on the verge of madness.

A simile (yes I am a nerd): You know how NASA uses planets and the sun for gravity assistance, in order to fling their spacecraft beyond the asteroid belt? Well, that's how I feel, like one of those robotic probes, on a course around the sun, and it's a fine balance between being able to gain enough momentum to swing around and fly straight out of the solar system to the next star, and death-spiralling into the nuclear fusion heart of the sun. Right now, every little thing counts.

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