Organic Disease

Tue Aug 05 2003 09:34PM -0600

So I am hoping that this really is just some imbalance of brain chemistry, something that can be controlled by medication. So far, it is proving refractory, so I might need a little help.

But I have this ineffable sadness welling up within me. I have an inkling from whence it comes, but I really don't want to name it, don't want to think about it. My words can't seem to contain it. I think this feeling just exceeds my capabilitiesâ€â€this is something much greater than myself, something profound and unbreakable.

I am learning to dance around it in small, timid steps. The veritable 300 pound gorilla.

No, I am not being my vague usual self. I'm not trying to avoid talking about it. There really is no reason for this. It's completely irrational, completely idiopathic. It just is. There is no why. I mean, I can get all psychoanalytic about it, and pin the blame on the mild social instability of my childhood, but, I don't know. It's really not satisfying. I am just too fully loaded with grief that to come with some inane cause just leaves me empty.

I feel like something is missing. It's just something I can't name, can't even imagine. It's not some girl, or some career, or some material object. There is just this inescapable hole sitting inside of me, or maybe I am sitting inside it. Like the event horizon of a black hole. Or some such aberration of topology.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and be still. I just want to be left alone, and yet this loneliness hurts me. It is truly an ache, a dull visceral ache, the kind that tells you that something is wrong with your insides, but doesn't tell you where.

Objectively, this is just some sad, stupid waste of time.

But I can't seem to beat it. It just blankets me, pulls me down. Not like an anchor that causes me to plunge. More like the slow inexorable pull of the tide. If I just had some strength of will, I'd probably be able to get out of it, but I'm just sapped.

I'm letting it kill me, and I can't seem to do anything about it.

But I went for a walk outside today. I just wanted to be alone somewhere, to sit and think, and maybe smoke a cigarette. To sort out all the haphazard debris of my recent life. It's a goddamn mess. I can't seem to make anything turn out the way I want it to. Partly because I suck at planning things, partly because I really don't know what I want, partly maybe because I am just fucking cursed. But even in seeking this tranquil solitude, I failed miserably. There is nowhere for me to run to. Half an hour spent aimlessly wandering my neighborhood streets, and all I've got to show for it are bug bites.

But the fireflies cheered me up. I don't know why, either.

I kind of want to see how long I can go without saying anything to anyone, but that is just impossible right now. I need to talk to people, I need to make things happen. I can't just let myself get sucked down into this pit of despair, but I can't figure it out. All the pieces are swirling down into this whirpool of hopelessness, and I can't make heads or tails of anything. Nothing makes any sense. Whenever I find something to latch on to, I immediately realize that I'm completely wrong, and I don't know my asshole from my elbow.

I need some sort of stability in my universe, and I just can't seem to find it.

Times like this, I just feel really forsaken.

It's like no cares. Not even me. And if I can't help myself, then no one can. Q.E.D.

Ah, fuck it. Don't feel sorry for me. This is just the whining gasp of a pathetic loser. Either I'll make it, or I won't. Simple as that.

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