Endings and Beginnings
New things are a-stirrin'. I have a new blog at http://blog.fatoprofugus.net. read more... // comment


Portentiousness Again
Random shit on another day I didn't go to work. read more... // comment


A Single Thread
Adrift at sea. Nothing wrong with that. When the wind comes (and it will come), I'll be ready for it. Until then, I'll be admiring the waves. read more... // comment


Science Fiction Done Right
I wonder if Matt Groening ever read Samuel Delany? read more... // comment


Technology: Friend or Foe?
Cel phone difficulties, Stanislaw Lem's Chain of Chance, and local Chicagoland musical talent. read more... // comment


One Thing At A Time
A resolution. read more... // comment


Offline
In the meanwhile, I have to rely on my cel phone read more... // comment


Why I Don't Trust Anybody
Maybe this is all bullshit. And definitely incomplete. Well, at least I feel a little better. read more... // comment


The Eternal Seesaw
At some point, the constant up-and-down motion will probably make me vomit. One can only hope. read more... // comment


Organic Disease
I am in rare form tonight. Man, I'm sad. read more... // comment


Contradictions
A reflection on yesterday's post read more... // comment


Dream Big Dreams
It's sad some of the things that life can beat out of you. read more... // comment


Underneath It All
My second reinstall in over a year since buying my iBook. Now if I could only do the same with my brain. read more... // comment


Bellyaching
An attempt to explain my pathology. Sigmund Freud I ain't. read more... // comment


The Dopaminergic Reward Circuit - Revisited
I need an intervention, dude. read more... // comment


Sit Down and Be Still
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Idle hands are the playground of the devil. read more... // comment


Fuck
Bad things have been done read more... // comment


Betrayal and Other Games We Play
I'm a little dazed by the insanity of it all. read more... // comment


At the Bottom of the 1st Inning, the Score Is...
I'll be OK. Really. Come hell or high water. read more... // comment


Damn It All to Hell
And even though I've raised the white flag and cried uncle, I am still getting beaten down. read more... // comment


I am an Angry Drunk
Help me! I broke apart my insides.... read more... // comment


Coasting to a Stop
Instead of slamming the brakes into the ground. Nothing like the power of inertia. read more... // comment


The Harsh Truth
The root of all my misery. read more... // comment


Getting A Grip
One handhold at a time. This is definitely nowhere near perfect, but it's better than wanting to kill yourself all the time. Oh. And I gave in to my inner demons and bought a digital camera. read more... // comment


You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em
Unfortunately, you have to play them how they were dealt. read more... // comment


Inanity (Circumferential Thoughts)
Narrating today. Striving for enlightenment. read more... // comment


Flight of Ideas (Episode II): I Am Running Out of Titles
I really, really need to start writing things down. I had some pretty deep and interesting thoughts this afternoon, but now they are all gone. Oh, but there is a little teaser about learned helplessness. read more... // comment


Walt Disney Can Kiss My Ass
I can't seem to write myself out of a paper bag. read more... // comment


The Art of Self-Medication - Reprise
Another confession: I have serious problems. But some of you already knew that. Why I don't tell people who are close to me, and yet I'm OK with telling the entire Internet, who knows? read more... // comment


Full Moon Tonight
Contemplation in the darkness. I can't get to sleep. read more... // comment


Jesus, What A Mind Job
Why do I feel like I am once again, in the calm before the storm? I suppose I could be paranoid. read more... // comment


The Art of Self-Medication
OK, OK, I promise I'll stop feeling sorry for myself. Or at least I'll try and cut down. read more... // comment


Rivalling Vogon Poetry
Keep the violins going, damn it. read more... // comment


Stupidity (Letting Her Sink Her Claws Into Me)
A shot in the dark. A phone call. Not that the rug was necessarily pulled out from under, but either way, I'm lying on bare ground. read more... // comment


Scraping By
Things aren't so bad once you get used to them. read more... // comment


To Live and Die in Chicago
A safe landing. It's not as bad to be here as I thought. read more... // comment


Sail On, Sail On
My dog won't let me go to sleep. read more... // comment


The Deep End (Year 227 of the Republic)
And not even anything to dream about. read more... // comment


Despite It All
What if surviving really is as good as it gets? read more... // comment


Fatal Exception Error (Shut It Down! Shut It Down!)
At some point I may require some Haldol. read more... // comment


The Lonely Silence of Night
As I lay me down to sleep. A brief summary of the days gone by. read more... // comment


The Sound of Inevitability
I am a machine(?) read more... // comment


Via Trails
You can't really call it stalking can you? It's not like I'm breaking into their computers or anything.... read more... // comment


Desperation in Outline Form
Confession. Half-serious. read more... // comment


Where Art Thou, My Muse?
Longing desperately for some inspiration read more... // comment


Summertime
Mind burp. Enough! read more... // comment


Tangents (and Still Barely Even Touching Upon It)
This is crazy. This is crazy. read more... // comment


Just Pretending
Give me one more chance to make it real. (Heh. This entry isn't what you think it is.) read more... // comment


Back to the Open Sea
Sailing / Takes me away / To where I've always heard it could be / Just a dream and the wind to carry me / And soon I will be free read more... // comment


Question
The sequela of a random phone call. read more... // comment


Do the Right Thing
A rationalization. read more... // comment


Let's Pretend It Never Happened
Like they say, there's no problem so big that you can't run away from it. read more... // comment


Forfeit
There is just nothing left to say. read more... // comment


This is the Way the World Ends
Happiness continues to elude our hapless hero. Perhaps all I can really hope for is "Shantih, shantih, shantih." read more... // comment


OK, Maybe I Am Crazy
Yeah, it's solipsistic and egotistical to ask, but "Why does this shit always happen to me?" read more... // comment


Outbound on the Edens
Obvious rantings of a lunatic. All I'm learning is how to be crazy. read more... // comment


Kilroy Was Here
This is pretty much about nothing. read more... // comment


Despite It All, There Is Still Hope
Sure, I'm not dying, I just can't think of anything better to do. read more... // comment


Jumping to Conclusions
Just don't do it. To assume makes an ass out of u and me. (Yes I know that what I've written is incoherent and driveling. So be it.) read more... // comment


Whiplash (Do You Hear That Rubberband Snap?)
I, sir, am officially a sucker. P.T. Barnum would've loved me. read more... // comment


Word Salad (This Bird Has Flown)
Little snippets of things that make little to no sense. read more... // comment


Always Have a Plan (Simple Pleasures)
I need to reverse this paralysis, need to shake off this fear of the future. read more... // comment


Keeping Score
A good day after all. read more... // comment


Voices in My Head
Bits and pieces of me keep passing out. Random quotes and song lyrics that happen to be very appropriate commentary on my life. And, once again, I need to take a break, but, once again, I am probably not going to. read more... // comment


Responding to Internal Stimuli
Seriously. The next time something like this happens, I need you to take a brick to my head. I mean it. read more... // comment


Confounding Factors (with a Quick Primer on Psychoses)
The fine difference between an illusion and a hallucination. I need to get this shit out of my head, and I'm not talking about those damned voices. read more... // comment


Trail of Crumbs
None of this really matters, all happiness is effervescent. But some day I fear a player will be born. read more... // comment


The Road Goes Ever On and Onâ€â€Revisited
Ah, to return from exile. Does nothing ever last? At least longer than an effervescent moment? read more... // comment


Signs of an Intractable Situation
It's all so simple, and yet.... read more... // comment


Yesterday
I can't stay/And keep living this lie/I finally found the strength to say goodbye/I'm on my way/Nothing can change my mind/I'm leaving behind what we had/Yesterday read more... // comment


If Seurat Had Written A Blog
A rather heavy-handed analogy. Impressions of an evening wobbling out of control. read more... // comment


Movie Night
In tribute to Virginia Madsen. read more... // comment


My Life Is Whack
That's right, folks. Tear your hair out along with me. read more... // comment


Time Marches On
Taking my head out of my ass at least to catch a breath. read more... // comment


Game Over
And yet: Insert Coin to Continue. Damn. read more... // comment


I'll Send an S.O.S. to the World
I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle. read more... // comment


These Dreams
As real as it seems, it was only in my dreams. (Help me, help me! I'm trapped in the 1980's!) read more... // comment


Fidgety
I know what is going to happen, but I guarantee I'm still going to feel like crap. read more... // comment


Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
See the luck I've had would make a good man turn bad. read more... // comment


Curiouser and Curiouser
I am Alice in fucking Wonderland right now. It's only a matter of time until the shit hits the fan and the Jabberwock comes chomping on my ass. read more... // comment


The Matrix Reloadedâ€â€Unreal City (SPOILERS!)
The Prophecy shall be fulfilled. Every city is a manifestation of Unreal Cityâ€â€Babylon, Rome, London, New York, Chicago, L.A., everywhere and nowhere. read more... // comment


Mantra
Fear not of men because men must die. read more... // comment


I'm Not the One Who's Crazy!
Schizophrenia. Maybe I do need to be on medication. read more... // comment


The Spell Is Broken
The end of another chapter. Time continues to fly. read more... // comment


The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of Adhesions)
The more things change... read more... // comment


Excess Baggage
I really am a godforsaken packrat. read more... // comment


Better Luck Tomorrow
Mental flatus regarding the acclaimed movie by Asian American director Justin Lin. read more... // comment


More Apophenia
"The Ring," "Ringu," Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, Pattern Recognition by William Gibson, and all sorts of random trivia emanating from my obviously cracked brain read more... // comment


Good Friday (Delayed Reaction)
Crucifixion on my mind. read more... // comment


Signs and Symptoms
More brain barf. Yes I know I promised to stop thinking. Especially about women. Especially about what they're thinking. read more... // comment


Instant Messaging Fun
Random madness between two strange individuals. read more... // comment


Pinnacle
When you're at the top, where else can you go? (I'm not a religious man, but if you can hear me... save me Superman!) read more... // comment


Why Can't My Life Be Simple (Chronic Blogorrhea)
I am so damned tired. I need a vacation. But time waits for no one. read more... // comment


Sunday Afternoon
Reflection. Oh my. My brain is not working. read more... // comment


The Catcher in the Rye
I need to figure out why I want to do Pediatrics. read more... // comment


Short Takes: Music, Decisions
A couple of brain burps. read more... // comment


Burning Out
Sometimes you just gotta curl up into a little ball and cry yourself to sleep. Then it's easier to pull yourself together the next. read more... // comment


Counting on One Hand
The number of single friends I have continues to diminish. read more... // comment


Minutiae
No business as usual, but life still needs to be lived, I suppose. read more... // comment


Shock and Awe
This sequel sucks. read more... // comment


Bounceback
Just when you thought it was over. read more... // comment


Assessment: Acute Confusional State - Resolved
You just told me he was the most horrible person you know. You're getting back together with him. Makes perfect sense to me. read more... // comment


I Will Never Understand
It is impossible to change someone if they don't want to change. How tragic. read more... // comment


Anonymity and the Wonderfully Bizarre Age of Information
How to keep blog personae anonymous. Still looking for solutions. read more... // comment


The Universe Is a Big Doughnut
Delirium AKA acute confusional state. (I wonder how Dream's little sister feelsabout her new name? Read "Sandman" by Neil Gaiman to figure what the hell I'm talking about.) read more... // comment


Yikes!
The last days of the Republic. Bread and circuses. Instead of gladiators going at it, we have common folk humiliating each other and selling each other out. read more... // comment


Ay Caramba!
I guess one of my favorite hobbies is feeling sorry for myself. Gah. read more... // comment


There Is No Hope
It is all meaningless distraction. Samsara. It is the state of nothingness that I seek. read more... // comment


Snow
Navel gazing as the storm broods outside my doorstep. read more... // comment


Whither George Jetson?
Not exactly what I pictured when I was a little kid, but the future is a pretty interesting place. read more... // comment


Why Gandalf Chose Not to Remove Saddam Hussein
If you're going to parody something, either use the source material in a completely bizarre and unrelated way, or try to stay true to the source so that all the allusions are consistent read more... // comment


False Spring
Another resolution. read more... // comment


The Edge
More than anything else, this is what I'll never feel again. read more... // comment


Insomnia
I can't get to sleep/I think about the implications/of diving in too deep/and possibly the complications//Especially at night/I worry over situations/I know I'll be all right/Perhaps it's just imagination. read more... // comment


Vague Description
I am trying to understand the Way. read more... // comment


Paranoid Android
I want to say more, but I don't know who is reading this. Damn it. read more... // comment


The Revolution Will Be Blogged
The People have made their Will known. read more... // comment


The Art of Not Wanting: The Saga Continues
Fuck this shit. read more... // comment


Disorientation
Hmmm. Pure parietal lobe? Or frontal lobe causing severe depression? This is the problem of being a medical student. read more... // comment


Happy Birthday, Abe
And then another holiday two days from now. Am I doomed? Am I just going to let another one slip away? Or am I just having another delusionary, solipsistic moment? read more... // comment


Vast Uncharted Expanse
Down the road that I dared not go. read more... // comment


Falling
I don't want to hope for impossible things, and yet I can't ignore it either. read more... // comment


Requiem
For the men and women who risked their lives in pursuit of a pure dream. read more... // comment


The Last Days of the Republic
Et tu, Brute? Et tu? read more... // comment


Danger!


Winter
We spend quite a bit of our lives just waiting. Oh well. read more... // comment


America the Beautiful
We hold these Truths to be self-evident: that all men (and women) are created equal. read more... // comment


The Quest for Long Underwear
Briefly, there is a hiatus. read more... // comment


Two Weeks In
Again. Meh-moo-rreez.... read more... // comment


The Drunken Blog
I am so very tired of this shit, and yet, for some reason, I can't stay away. I am so doomed. read more... // comment


Imperfect God
The incredible communication gap between mortal and immortal. read more... // comment


2001: A Time Odyssey
"Solaris" by Stanislaw Lem, and unexpected dream, and my 2001 CD. read more... // comment


Serenity Now!
Oh yes. I am a bitter, resentful bastard. read more... // comment


Long December
... and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. read more... // comment


So This Is Christmas
This is the Day. read more... // comment


The Christmas Before Last (Do Not Read This If You Want to Be Happy)
Oooh. I am in rare form today. Here's to the darkness and the never ending void. "Out of doubt, out of dark to the day's rising/I came singing in the sun, sword unsheathing./To hope's end I rode and to heart's breaking...." -- J.R.R. Tolkien from "The Lord of the Rings" read more... // comment


The Longest Night
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why. read more... // comment


Only This and Nothing More
To all the girls I've loved before.... read more... // comment


Hysteria


Post
"Are you postal today?" the on-call resident asked the post-call resident. No, I suppose none of this is really coherent at all. read more... // comment


Hedging My Bets
I am deathly afraid of having to lay all my cards out on the table. read more... // comment


I Don't Care (Right)
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I'll post this anyways. read more... // comment


In the Maw of Melodrama
If I could only stop picking at my scabs, I wonder if there is a chance I might heal? read more... // comment


Sweet Honesty
A couple of cigarettes and a lot of booze, and all of the sudden all my secrets come out. read more... // comment


Summit
Inspiration strikes at odd hours. I have said this once before. I hope I do not live to regret it. And I mean that last sentence in all the ways it can be interpreted. read more... // comment


The Guilelessness of Fatigue
The rush of adrenaline as you escape the city at 70 mph, barreling down the Interstate into the high desert, where there are tumultous rain storms, blasting winds, and wondrous mirages. This is how I feel at this moment, metaphorically speaking. May God have mercy on my soul. read more... // comment


Perseveration
Over and over again. read more... // comment


Paper Thin
I think I am wearing down. read more... // comment


Manual Disimpaction
This is what happens when you don't get restful sleep. read more... // comment


Wound Check - Post Op Day 1
Recurrent acute mental emesis (another brain barf) read more... // comment


Completely Shot Out
Quiet thoughts from the middle of the night. read more... // comment


Annum III in Exilio (What the Hell Am I Doing with My Life?)
Oh, no. Not again. (Very famous last words attributed to a bowl of petunias which I will quote again and again incessantly.) read more... // comment


Orange County is not L.A.
I really hate it when people from O.C. claim they're from L.A. read more... // comment


Seventeen Dollars Worth of Chemicals
What fueled the emergence of self? read more... // comment


On Digital Rectal Exams
digital root word digit, from Middle English, from Latin digitus finger, toe. (Courtesy of The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.) We don't stick computer probes up there, just fingers. read more... // comment


The Way of the Gun
Don't shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me. read more... // comment


Altered Mental Status
You know who you are. If only I had the strength to pull the arrow out of my heart. read more...


Holistic Detection
More quotes. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, one person's rampant chaos and discord is another person's exquisite order and harmony. And randomness to one person may be clear direction to another. (Hence, the unending battle between evolutionists and creationists.) read more...


Synchronicity - Episode IV - A New Hope
The word, and all its attendant madness. read more...


The Fall of the Republic - Continued
The Advent of the Empire. "A little rebellion now is a good thing" -- Thomas Jefferson read more...


The Art of Not Wanting Revisited
I didn't come up with it myself. read more...


Perseveration
Alone again on a Friday night. read more...


Recycling
Random garbage spewed on the city streets today. read more...


(Re)Flux
A little momentary brain burp. read more...


Acute Brain Obstruction
That's all she wrote. read more...


Essential Hyper-Emptiness
A common disease with no known cure. read more...


A Thin Line
Between entertainment and trauma. read more...


Singularity
More melodrama. read more...


Portentiousness (Chapter 1)
I get knocked down, then I get up again. read more...


Typical Scenario
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. read more...


Time
Days go by. read more...


The Number of the Beast
Cause a 252 ain't worth your soul, a 252 ain't worth your soul, a 252 ain't worth it. read more...


Fuck It/Fight It
It's all the same. read more...


Tirade of the Broken Soul
I can't do it. I'm trying, but I just feel like I'm slipping down the chute with every passing day. read more...


Play On
You know, there's a perfectly logical explanation for why men are dogs. read more...


Transience
On the road again. Err. In the air again? read more...


Sunset Blvd.
I drive through her streets 'cause she's my companion/I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am.... read more...


More Loneliness
...than any man can bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair. I'll send an S.O.S. out to the world.... read more...


Travelogue
The brain barf begins. read more...


Champagne Supernova
Go Lakers! I love L.A.! read more...


Blowing Chunks
Even more fear and loathing in Las Vegas. read more...




Archives