T minus 44 hours 7 minutes
I feel like I have finally fought my way to the surface, despite the aching burn in my chest and the numbness in my limbs.
I always seem to forget to breathe.
No, nothing has changed. It is only the atavistic fear of drowning that has driven me up to the air. I am still long lonely leagues away from any shore, but I suppose I have more time available than I want to believe I do.
Despite this hollow feeling of incompleteness, I have come to realize that whatever I am right now is good enough for the present. Whatever tools I need to deal with now are within my grasp. I am who I am right now, there's no changing that. For good or for ill. Whatever happens, I have to deal with it in the way I know how. I cannot keep hoping for divine intervention to sort all this madness out.
This is not to say that I've solved anything, only that I realize that as long as I can still float, I might as well go on. There's no need to drown myself quite yet.
Don't mistake me. I have no illusions about reaching shore any time soon.
I can only be brave. Nothing else will save me.
e-mail: aswang@earthlink.net
The design for this page was adapted from Mark Olson's design Retooled, which can be found at Open Source Web Design. Download the sample page.