Tue, Feb 05, 2002 02:17AM -0600

It's comical how I end up writing about something, anything, everything, which is completely tangential to what is actually running through my head at the moment. In the still dead of the night, I will ponder the trajectory of my life as the moon slowly rises over the horizon, and yet I know for a fact that there will be no answers, no consolation, no resolution. Still, the thoughts that have entered my mind have caused such disorder that I must write something if only to go through the motions of reordering my thoughts.

Sorry to be cryptic. It is, I suppose, my way.

But there has yet to be time to sit down and figure out where things stand, what paths I might want to tread, and what doors I have already closed without yet realizing it. Isn't it silly? I regret that I've spent too much time regretting, and I want to eventually figure out how not to, how to take the good with the bad, how to accept that whichever way things go, that's how it's going to be. I want to figure out how to be me, now, in this time and place, without apologies or contradictions, without hesitation, but with confidence and with pride.

I have made decisions whose ramifications I have yet to ponder, whose consequences may yet endure for years and decades. Unwise, perhaps, but what can I do? I don't know how to look into the future, I am wary of making plans as it is not something I am used to, and I know which things that I want that I can actually have. So to try to reach, to strive--it has not been my way. To want what I get, to have what I have, these are the ideals I've been trying to perfect, and still, certain thoughts run through my mind, and I wonder (and wander) in infinite circles.

No, maybe it's simply that I haven't had enough sleep. This too will pass, and maybe I can make some sense of it somehow.