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Endings and Beginnings
New things are a-stirrin'.
I have a new blog at http://blog.fatoprofugus.net.
read more... // comment
Portentiousness Again
Random shit on another day
I didn't go to work. read
more... // comment
A Single Thread
Adrift at sea. Nothing
wrong with that. When the wind comes (and it will come), I'll be
ready for it. Until then, I'll be admiring the waves. read more... // comment
Science Fiction Done Right
I wonder if Matt Groening
ever read Samuel Delany? read
more... // comment
Technology: Friend or Foe?
Cel phone difficulties,
Stanislaw Lem's Chain of
Chance, and local Chicagoland musical talent. read more... // comment
One Thing At A Time
A resolution. read more... // comment
Offline
In the meanwhile, I have
to rely on my cel phone read
more... // comment
Why I Don't Trust Anybody
Maybe this is all
bullshit. And definitely incomplete. Well, at least I feel a little
better. read more... //
comment
The Eternal Seesaw
At some point, the
constant up-and-down motion will probably make me vomit. One can
only hope. read more... //
comment
Organic Disease
I am in rare form tonight.
Man, I'm sad. read more...
// comment
Contradictions
A reflection on
yesterday's post read
more... // comment
Dream Big Dreams
It's sad some of the
things that life can beat out of you. read more... // comment
Underneath It All
My second reinstall in
over a year since buying my iBook. Now if I could only do the same
with my brain. read more...
// comment
Bellyaching
An attempt to explain my
pathology. Sigmund Freud I ain't. read more... // comment
The Dopaminergic Reward Circuit -
Revisited
I need an intervention,
dude. read more... //
comment
Sit Down and Be Still
I've said it before, and
I'll say it again. Idle hands are the playground of the devil.
read more... // comment
Fuck
Bad things have been done
read more... // comment
Betrayal and Other Games We
Play
I'm a little dazed by the
insanity of it all. read
more... // comment
At the Bottom of the 1st Inning, the
Score Is...
I'll be OK. Really. Come
hell or high water. read
more... // comment
Damn It All to Hell
And even though I've
raised the white flag and cried uncle, I am still getting beaten
down. read more... //
comment
I am an Angry Drunk
Help me! I broke apart my
insides.... read more... //
comment
Coasting to a Stop
Instead of slamming the
brakes into the ground. Nothing like the power of inertia. read more... // comment
The Harsh Truth
The root of all my misery.
read more... // comment
Getting A Grip
One handhold at a time.
This is definitely nowhere near perfect, but it's better than
wanting to kill yourself all the time. Oh. And I gave in to my
inner demons and bought a digital camera. read more... // comment
You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em, Know
When to Fold 'Em
Unfortunately, you have to
play them how they were dealt. read more... // comment
Inanity (Circumferential
Thoughts)
Narrating today. Striving
for enlightenment. read
more... // comment
Flight of Ideas (Episode II): I Am
Running Out of Titles
I really, really need to
start writing things down. I had some pretty deep and interesting
thoughts this afternoon, but now they are all gone. Oh, but there
is a little teaser about learned helplessness. read more... // comment
Walt Disney Can Kiss My Ass
I can't seem to write
myself out of a paper bag. read
more... // comment
The Art of Self-Medication -
Reprise
Another confession: I have
serious problems. But some of you already knew that. Why I don't
tell people who are close to me, and yet I'm OK with telling the
entire Internet, who knows? read more... // comment
Full Moon Tonight
Contemplation in the
darkness. I can't get to sleep. read more... // comment
Jesus, What A Mind Job
Why do I feel like I am
once again, in the calm before the storm? I suppose I could be
paranoid. read more... //
comment
The Art of Self-Medication
OK, OK, I promise I'll
stop feeling sorry for myself. Or at least I'll try and cut down.
read more... // comment
Rivalling Vogon Poetry
Keep the violins going,
damn it. read more... //
comment
Stupidity (Letting Her Sink Her Claws
Into Me)
A shot in the dark. A
phone call. Not that the rug was necessarily pulled out from under,
but either way, I'm lying on bare ground. read more... // comment
Scraping By
Things aren't so bad once
you get used to them. read
more... // comment
To Live and Die in Chicago
A safe landing. It's not
as bad to be here as I thought. read more... // comment
Sail On, Sail On
My dog won't let me go to
sleep. read more... //
comment
The Deep End (Year 227 of the
Republic)
And not even anything to
dream about. read more...
// comment
Despite It All
What if surviving really
is as good as it gets? read
more... // comment
Fatal Exception Error (Shut It Down!
Shut It Down!)
At some point I may
require some Haldol. read
more... // comment
The Lonely Silence of Night
As I lay me down to sleep.
A brief summary of the days gone by. read more... // comment
The Sound of Inevitability
I am a machine(?) read more... // comment
Via Trails
You can't really call it
stalking can you? It's not like I'm breaking into their computers
or anything.... read
more... // comment
Desperation in Outline Form
Confession. Half-serious.
read more... // comment
Where Art Thou, My Muse?
Longing desperately for
some inspiration read
more... // comment
Summertime
Mind burp. Enough!
read more... // comment
Tangents (and Still Barely Even
Touching Upon It)
This is crazy. This is
crazy. read more... //
comment
Just Pretending
Give me one more chance to
make it real. (Heh. This entry isn't what you think it is.)
read more... // comment
Back to the Open Sea
Sailing / Takes me away /
To where I've always heard it could be / Just a dream and the wind
to carry me / And soon I will be free read more... // comment
Question
The sequela of a random
phone call. read more... //
comment
Do the Right Thing
A rationalization.
read more... // comment
Let's Pretend It Never Happened
Like they say, there's no
problem so big that you can't run away from it. read more... // comment
Forfeit
There is just nothing left
to say. read more... //
comment
This is the Way the World Ends
Happiness continues to
elude our hapless hero. Perhaps all I can really hope for is
"Shantih, shantih, shantih." read more... // comment
OK, Maybe I Am Crazy
Yeah, it's solipsistic and
egotistical to ask, but "Why does this shit always happen to me?"
read more... // comment
Outbound on the Edens
Obvious rantings of a
lunatic. All I'm learning is how to be crazy. read more... // comment
Kilroy Was Here
This is pretty much about
nothing. read more... //
comment
Despite It All, There Is Still
Hope
Sure, I'm not dying, I
just can't think of anything better to do. read more... // comment
Jumping to Conclusions
Just don't do it. To
assume makes an ass out of u and me. (Yes I know that what I've
written is incoherent and driveling. So be it.) read more... // comment
Whiplash (Do You Hear That Rubberband
Snap?)
I, sir, am officially a
sucker. P.T. Barnum would've loved me. read more... // comment
Word Salad (This Bird Has
Flown)
Little snippets of things
that make little to no sense. read more... // comment
Always Have a Plan (Simple
Pleasures)
I need to reverse this
paralysis, need to shake off this fear of the future. read more... // comment
Keeping Score
A good day after all.
read more... // comment
Voices in My Head
Bits and pieces of me keep
passing out. Random quotes and song lyrics that happen to be very
appropriate commentary on my life. And, once again, I need to take
a break, but, once again, I am probably not going to. read more... // comment
Responding to Internal Stimuli
Seriously. The next time
something like this happens, I need you to take a brick to my head.
I mean it. read more... //
comment
Confounding Factors (with a Quick
Primer on Psychoses)
The fine difference
between an illusion and a hallucination. I need to get this shit
out of my head, and I'm not talking about those damned voices.
read more... // comment
Trail of Crumbs
None of this really
matters, all happiness is effervescent. But some day I fear a
player will be born. read
more... // comment
The Road Goes Ever On and
Onâ€â€Revisited
Ah, to return from exile.
Does nothing ever last? At least longer than an effervescent
moment? read more... //
comment
Signs of an Intractable
Situation
It's all so simple, and
yet.... read more... //
comment
Yesterday
I can't stay/And keep
living this lie/I finally found the strength to say goodbye/I'm on
my way/Nothing can change my mind/I'm leaving behind what we
had/Yesterday read more...
// comment
If Seurat Had Written A Blog
A rather heavy-handed
analogy. Impressions of an evening wobbling out of control.
read more... // comment
Movie Night
In tribute to Virginia
Madsen. read more... //
comment
My Life Is Whack
That's right, folks. Tear
your hair out along with me. read more... // comment
Time Marches On
Taking my head out of my
ass at least to catch a breath. read more... // comment
Game Over
And yet: Insert Coin to
Continue. Damn. read
more... // comment
I'll Send an S.O.S. to the
World
I hope that someone gets
my message in a bottle. read
more... // comment
These Dreams
As real as it seems, it
was only in my dreams. (Help me, help me! I'm trapped in the
1980's!) read more... //
comment
Fidgety
I know what is
going to happen, but I guarantee I'm still going to feel like crap.
read more... // comment
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
See the luck I've had
would make a good man turn bad. read more... // comment
Curiouser and Curiouser
I am Alice in fucking
Wonderland right now. It's only a matter of time until the shit
hits the fan and the Jabberwock comes chomping on my ass. read more... // comment
The Matrix
Reloadedâ€â€Unreal City
(SPOILERS!)
The Prophecy shall be
fulfilled. Every city is a manifestation of Unreal
Cityâ€â€Babylon, Rome,
London, New York, Chicago, L.A., everywhere and nowhere. read more... // comment
Mantra
Fear not of men because
men must die. read more...
// comment
I'm Not the One Who's Crazy!
Schizophrenia. Maybe I do
need to be on medication. read
more... // comment
The Spell Is Broken
The end of another
chapter. Time continues to fly. read more... // comment
The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of
Adhesions)
The more things change...
read more... // comment
Excess Baggage
I really am a godforsaken
packrat. read more... //
comment
Better Luck Tomorrow
Mental flatus regarding
the acclaimed movie by Asian American director Justin Lin. read more... // comment
More Apophenia
"The Ring," "Ringu,"
Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, Pattern
Recognition by William Gibson, and all sorts of random trivia
emanating from my obviously cracked brain read more... // comment
Good Friday (Delayed Reaction)
Crucifixion on my mind.
read more... // comment
Signs and Symptoms
More brain barf. Yes I
know I promised to stop thinking. Especially about women.
Especially about what they're thinking.
read more... // comment
Instant Messaging Fun
Random madness between two
strange individuals. read
more... // comment
Pinnacle
When you're at the top,
where else can you go? (I'm not a religious man, but if you can
hear me... save me Superman!) read more... // comment
Why Can't My Life Be Simple (Chronic
Blogorrhea)
I am so damned tired. I
need a vacation. But time waits for no one. read more... // comment
Sunday Afternoon
Reflection. Oh my. My
brain is not working. read
more... // comment
The Catcher in the Rye
I need to figure out why I
want to do Pediatrics. read
more... // comment
Short Takes: Music, Decisions
A couple of brain burps.
read more... // comment
Burning Out
Sometimes you just gotta
curl up into a little ball and cry yourself to sleep. Then it's
easier to pull yourself together the next. read more... // comment
Counting on One Hand
The number of single
friends I have continues to diminish. read more... // comment
Minutiae
No business as usual, but
life still needs to be lived, I suppose. read more... // comment
Shock and Awe
This sequel sucks.
read more... // comment
Bounceback
Just when you thought it
was over. read more... //
comment
Assessment: Acute Confusional State -
Resolved
You just told me he was
the most horrible person you know. You're getting back together
with him. Makes perfect sense to me. read more... // comment
I Will Never Understand
It is impossible to change
someone if they don't want to change. How tragic. read more... // comment
Anonymity and the Wonderfully Bizarre
Age of Information
How to keep blog personae
anonymous. Still looking for solutions. read more... // comment
The Universe Is a Big Doughnut
Delirium AKA acute
confusional state. (I wonder how Dream's little sister feelsabout
her new name? Read "Sandman" by Neil Gaiman to figure what the hell
I'm talking about.) read
more... // comment
Yikes!
The last days of the
Republic. Bread and circuses. Instead of gladiators going at it, we
have common folk humiliating each other and selling each other out.
read more... // comment
Ay Caramba!
I guess one of my favorite
hobbies is feeling sorry for myself. Gah. read more... // comment
There Is No Hope
It is all meaningless
distraction. Samsara. It is the state of nothingness that I seek.
read more... // comment
Snow
Navel gazing as the storm
broods outside my doorstep. read more... // comment
Whither George Jetson?
Not exactly what I
pictured when I was a little kid, but the future is a pretty
interesting place. read
more... // comment
Why Gandalf Chose Not to Remove
Saddam Hussein
If you're going to parody
something, either use the source material in a completely bizarre
and unrelated way, or try to stay true to the source so that all
the allusions are consistent read more... // comment
False Spring
Another resolution.
read more... // comment
The Edge
More than anything else,
this is what I'll never feel again. read more... // comment
Insomnia
I can't get to sleep/I
think about the implications/of diving in too deep/and possibly the
complications//Especially at night/I worry over situations/I know
I'll be all right/Perhaps it's just imagination. read more... // comment
Vague Description
I am trying to understand
the Way. read more... //
comment
Paranoid Android
I want to say more, but I
don't know who is reading this. Damn it. read more... // comment
The Revolution Will Be Blogged
The People have made their
Will known. read more... //
comment
The Art of Not Wanting: The Saga
Continues
Fuck this shit. read more... // comment
Disorientation
Hmmm. Pure parietal lobe?
Or frontal lobe causing severe depression? This is the problem of
being a medical student. read
more... // comment
Happy Birthday, Abe
And then another holiday
two days from now. Am I doomed? Am I just going to let another one
slip away? Or am I just having another delusionary, solipsistic
moment? read more... //
comment
Vast Uncharted Expanse
Down the road that I dared
not go. read more... //
comment
Falling
I don't want to hope for
impossible things, and yet I can't ignore it either. read more... // comment
Requiem
For the men and women who
risked their lives in pursuit of a pure dream. read more... // comment
The Last Days of the Republic
Et tu, Brute? Et tu?
read more... // comment
Danger!
Winter
We spend quite a bit of
our lives just waiting. Oh well. read more... // comment
America the Beautiful
We hold these Truths to be
self-evident: that all men (and women) are created equal. read more... // comment
The Quest for Long Underwear
Briefly, there is a
hiatus. read more... //
comment
Two Weeks In
Again. Meh-moo-rreez....
read more... // comment
The Drunken Blog
I am so very tired of this
shit, and yet, for some reason, I can't stay away. I am so
doomed. read more...
// comment
Imperfect God
The incredible
communication gap between mortal and immortal. read more... // comment
2001: A Time Odyssey
"Solaris" by Stanislaw
Lem, and unexpected dream, and my 2001 CD. read more... // comment
Serenity Now!
Oh yes. I am a bitter,
resentful bastard. read
more... // comment
Long December
... and there's reason to
believe maybe this year will be better than the last. read more... // comment
So This Is Christmas
This is the Day. read more... // comment
The Christmas Before Last (Do Not
Read This If You Want to Be Happy)
Oooh. I am in rare form
today. Here's to the darkness and the never ending void. "Out of
doubt, out of dark to the day's rising/I came singing in the sun,
sword unsheathing./To hope's end I rode and to heart's
breaking...." -- J.R.R. Tolkien from "The Lord of the Rings"
read more... // comment
The Longest Night
And all the world's weight
is on my back and I don't even know why. read more... // comment
Only This and Nothing More
To all the girls I've
loved before.... read
more... // comment
Hysteria
Space. read more... // comment
Post
"Are you postal today?"
the on-call resident asked the post-call resident. No, I suppose
none of this is really coherent at all. read more... // comment
Hedging My Bets
I am deathly afraid of
having to lay all my cards out on the table. read more... // comment
I Don't Care (Right)
I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about, but I'll post this anyways. read more... // comment
In the Maw of Melodrama
If I could only stop
picking at my scabs, I wonder if there is a chance I might heal?
read more... // comment
Sweet Honesty
A couple of cigarettes and
a lot of booze, and all of the sudden all my secrets come out.
read more... // comment
Summit
Inspiration strikes at odd
hours. I have said this once before. I hope I do not live to regret
it. And I mean that last sentence in all the ways it can be
interpreted. read more...
// comment
The Guilelessness of Fatigue
The rush of adrenaline as
you escape the city at 70 mph, barreling down the Interstate into
the high desert, where there are tumultous rain storms, blasting
winds, and wondrous mirages. This is how I feel at this moment,
metaphorically speaking. May God have mercy on my soul. read more... // comment
Perseveration
Over and over again.
read more... // comment
Paper Thin
I think I am wearing down.
read more... // comment
Manual Disimpaction
This is what happens when
you don't get restful sleep. read more... // comment
Wound Check - Post Op Day 1
Recurrent acute mental
emesis (another brain barf) read more... // comment
Completely Shot Out
Quiet thoughts from the
middle of the night. read
more... // comment
Annum III in Exilio (What the Hell Am
I Doing with My Life?)
Oh, no. Not again. (Very
famous last words attributed to a bowl of petunias which I will
quote again and again incessantly.) read more... // comment
Orange County is not L.A.
I really hate it when
people from O.C. claim they're from L.A. read more... // comment
Seventeen Dollars Worth of
Chemicals
What fueled the emergence
of self? read more... //
comment
On Digital Rectal Exams
digital root word
digit, from Middle English, from Latin
digitus finger, toe. (Courtesy of The American
Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.)
We don't stick computer probes up there, just fingers. read more... // comment
The Way of the Gun
Don't shoot, shoot, shoot
that thing at me. read
more... // comment
Altered Mental Status
You know who you are. If
only I had the strength to pull the arrow out of my heart. read more...
Holistic Detection
More quotes. I've said it
before, and I'll say it again, one person's rampant chaos and
discord is another person's exquisite order and harmony. And
randomness to one person may be clear direction to another. (Hence,
the unending battle between evolutionists and creationists.)
read more...
Synchronicity - Episode IV - A New
Hope
The word, and all its
attendant madness. read
more...
The Fall of the Republic -
Continued
The Advent of the Empire.
"A little rebellion now is a good thing" -- Thomas Jefferson
read more...
The Art of Not Wanting
Revisited
I didn't come up with it
myself. read
more...
Perseveration
Alone again on a Friday
night. read
more...
Recycling
Random garbage spewed on
the city streets today. read
more...
(Re)Flux
A little momentary brain
burp. read
more...
Acute Brain Obstruction
That's all she wrote.
read more...
Essential Hyper-Emptiness
A common disease with no
known cure. read
more...
A Thin Line
Between entertainment and
trauma. read
more...
Singularity
More melodrama. read more...
Portentiousness (Chapter 1)
I get knocked down, then I
get up again. read
more...
Typical Scenario
Curiously enough, the only
thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell
was Oh no, not again. read
more...
Time
Days go by. read more...
The Number of the Beast
Cause a 252 ain't worth
your soul, a 252 ain't worth your soul, a 252 ain't worth it.
read more...
Fuck It/Fight It
It's all the same.
read more...
Tirade of the Broken Soul
I can't do it. I'm trying,
but I just feel like I'm slipping down the chute with every passing
day. read
more...
Play On
You know, there's a
perfectly logical explanation for why men are dogs. read more...
Transience
On the road again. Err. In
the air again? read
more...
Sunset Blvd.
I drive through her
streets 'cause she's my companion/I walk through her hills 'cause
she knows who I am.... read
more...
More Loneliness
...than any man can bear.
Rescue me before I fall into despair. I'll send an S.O.S. out to
the world.... read
more...
Travelogue
The brain barf begins.
read more...
Champagne Supernova
Go Lakers! I love L.A.!
read more...
Blowing Chunks
Even more fear and
loathing in Las Vegas. read
more...
|
Archives
2000.11.05-2001.05.16 Fato Profugus
entries
2001.06.05-2001.07.13 Lost entries 2001.07.30-2002.02.07 Foobar entries 2002.02.18-2002.05.31 Lunacy entries |