Mon, Sep 10, 2001 04:51PM -0600

Currently Ringing in my Eardrums:

• Sting - Shape of My Heart
• Earth, Wind, and Fire - September
• Mirwais - Disco Science
• Aaliyah - Rock the Boat
• Radiohead - The National Anthem
• ATB - Let U Go

A wild and crazy weekend of clubbing in the city, which is where most of the songs from today's playlist come from. When I walked into The Drink, they were playing a remixed version of "The National Anthem" by Radiohead, briefly reminding me of the time I was waiting with Ben, Jen, and Rachelle in Jen's car for the Radiohead concert to start, and I was pretending we were a team of professional killers waiting for our mark.

But this weekend was certainly filled with dubious undercurrents and intricate webs of emotion that left my head spinning with the realization that women are simply beyond my meager abilities of comprehension. Differential calculus? Schroedinger's equations? 11-dimensional string-theory? Chaos Theory? The concept of God? Elementary arithmetic and mere child's play when compared to the complete and utter mystery of the fairer sex.

It's not like I haven't known this before. It's just that the magnitude of my ignorance never hit me with such strength before. It's one thing to know that the Grand Canyon is a really deep hole, but it's quite another thing to actually stare down into the yawning chasm and let vertigo take hold of you.

Seriously. Someone out there needs to convince me that Relationships¢€ž¢ are not evil. So far, the votes are running 3 con, 0 pro. (I know that I know a few happy couples, but I've never actually debated the merits of loving commitment vis-a-vis paranoiac loneliness. Their mere existence do not count as votes. I need some articulation here, people.) If not, maybe I'd better start making plans for Tibet. I've always wanted to join a Shaolin Temple....

After going to The Green Dragon Room, I watched "The Professional." [IMDb entry][Extra scenes from the original script (translated from French)][Leon (The Professional) - film by Luc Besson] Although it was 4am and I was incredibly tired, I totally got sucked into it. (This is the reason "Shape of My Heart" is in my head.) Although it certainly is more things than this, it happens to be another one of those "finding someone who changes your life (maybe even saves your life) and not being able to hold onto them" kind of movie. Don't worry, it's not a chick flick--there's a good amount of violence and mayhem in it to satisfy your taste for blood. But make sure to see the Director's cut, which is 26 minutes longer, adding scenes that definitely make the story more poignant.

I want love or death, that's it.
-- Mathilda, from "The Professional"

(The following scene really got to me.... sometimes I really identify with Leon.... sometimes I feel like my capacity to love has been burned out of me by events beyond my control. Certainly nothing as tragic as in the movie, but I think the essence of the emptiness is about the same....)

MATHILDA: Why not? Do you love somebody else?
LEON: No.... I... Once I was in love with a girl.
MATHILDA: And?
LEON: She came from a very respectable family. My family was... Not so respectable. Her father told her to stay away from me.
MATHILDA: But she snuck out to visit you, didn't she Leon?
LEON: Yes....
MATHILDA: See Leon, nothing can stop love.
LEON: He killed her. One bullet to the head. They kept him in prison for two days, then they let him go. He said it was an accident.... The same night I got a boat to the States.... Ever since, I have never left this city, never had another girlfriend.
--from "The Professional"

I mean, it's only now that I feel like it's not true. Maybe I've still got something left inside of me to give to someone else after all. A long shot, maybe, but sometimes you have to shoot for the moon, I suppose.