Wed, Apr 18, 2001 01:18PM -0600

Sometimes I believe that there really is a balance of forces in the world--that for everything that goes wrong, something else goes right.

Which is why I have begun to obsessively worry about how well things have been going for me. I'm sure I am forgetting about something and it is just hiding in the deep, dark corners of my mind, waiting to strike.

I woke up today with a strange sense of optimism that I am rather afraid of. Maybe it's because the sunlight came back, and it's nice and warm, and I don't even have to wear a jacket to go outside.

Maybe it's just because the school year is ending, and I am beginning to completely occupy the I-don't-care-about-anything zone.

Maybe I've simply finally accepted that it's all over. The only thing left is to ride this train to the end of the line.

For once, I am pretty happy with the configuration of my life, plus or minus a few details, and I am very, very afraid. People like me aren't supposed to get attached to life like this. I've always hoped to be able to pick up and take off whenever I wanted to, and I always vowed that the only way I would change is if I found the girl of my dreams.

And I really haven't seen her as of late. I'm actually becoming more and more convinced that I've missed her on the way out, and that I'm never ever going to have a chance with her again. So maybe I've filled up on my quota of misery for a lifetime already. Maybe that's why the rest of my life is looking up.

Scattered thoughts

• The only way to remain young is to believe in things that are clearly impossible. This is extremely difficult as you must simultaneously believe that such a thing is both possible and impossible. Let me know if you figure out the best way to do this.

• I don't know if it's a symptom of our materialistic culture, or if it's just the human condition, but I'm actually pretty surprised at how many people really think it is possible to have it all, at least in theory. I think a lot of misery and bloodshed could be averted if people would just get it through their heads that some things are just gone forever, and most of the time, when you're confronted by two choices, the one you didn't choose is irrevocably gone. It is impossible to have your cake and eat it too, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter how much money and/or time you have. And since our time on earth is finite, I suggest not wasting too much time fretting about it.

• IM log snippet:

  drg2004: Ah. It's "recommended though not required."

  benjojr: How passive-aggressive.

• Overheard:

  Doctor: How many rectal exams have you done in your life?

  Student: Uh, that's a personal question.

  Doctor: I mean professionally....