Non Possum Sperare
Drown My Sorrow
Moving On
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November 1997; 19991129-0046-06
Alone in this desolation that is worse than utter silence
Sorrow weighs upon my back
 and my heart drowns in despair
There is nothing lyrical about this listlessness, this weighed-down sitting here
fidgeting, tearing at the frayed edges of nothingness, hopelessness, emptiness.
And still I write.  I do not understand.
It's gotten to the point where I don't know what's right anymore,
where I'm going, why I'm doing anything
and the questions are so old and I'm so hopelessly tired
the answers will never come 'cause they don't exist
But I've got to know!
How it was simple to think I had the answer
 and how stupid I feel for losing it
  and why, oh, why is it so painfully important to me
  to be able to touch your heart?
I will miss you, and yet your presence makes me feel like
  I'm lying on a bed of nails, and yet, to know you exist
  is the only time I can smile these days
and yet I know that you can't wait to get farther away from
 my blind groping, endless chattering, infinite madness
    and what could I have truly expected except this
    dull, aching emptiness, 'cause I don't know how I hoped
      despite knowing it could never be
Oh how I want to say that I love you, and yet
 I wonder if I truly know what those words mean
   If it's just a ploy to fill the emptiness of my heart
But I can't deny my visions of you, unbidden in my dreams
 where it's enough for you to smile at me and walk beside me
 I wouldn't need anything more
      Because I know that is too much to ask.
Oh, the vision is slipping, fading, dying… I never know what to say to you
and all my words are just meaningless sound
how I wish I could tear out my tongue
    cut off my fingers so that I cannot write
    stop my madness up, let it end
And yet it will never end.
©1997,1999 by Victor Ganata