Thoughts about a Girl

19941105-2242-08 19941114-1315-08 19941210 19950126 19950316 19950405
The patter of raindrops against the concrete ground
     winter wind howling in the tree tops
and my ears are ringing
     with the surge of metal clanging against rock
And as this battle rages inside my head,
I ask myself what is the matter with a little truth
     My breath catches in my throat
          and a little voice in my head laughs
     cymbals clashing, the shimmering song of bells

My ears are pulsing, beating, a drum in the back of my head
     meting out the measure of passing time
and my heart betrays a sudden wariness
     as if true love wasn't so true after all
Why should it matter what the truth is?
     And still my words are like butterflies in a net
Beauty trying to break free

     When I see who you are
     whether I am or never was
          it should not matter
          whether the words I speak are true or not
And the ringing still echoes in the emptiness
     of my aching thoughts
     and I wonder why I lied

Why I couldn't say that you are beautiful
     and it didn't take me to make that come true
while lightning flickers in the background haze
     of the shower of raindrops
          a waterfall of tears
falling from the cold grey heavens

And without a thought, I still try thinking
     what if those words were said
freezing upon the icy wind of winter morning
     and yet what does it change
when we both know where our hearts belong
     Though the heavens fall
          and the flames of hell rage through the earth

The thunder rumbles like a dragon on high mountain tops
     and my heart yearns,
pounding, thudding, hoping for those words
     Those words never came true
And yet,
     it is a memory in a dream of a dream of a memory

Like your kiss upon my cheek that never was
     like your heart beating against my heart,
          though it could never be

How it is love of things of the beautiful
     and yet not meaning to turn your heart astray
That was never my intent
     But how can I know what you are thinking
when all I see are your eyes averted
     never gazing, never glancing
And my heart is as uncertain
     about where I stand, who I am
     why I am, and what we are to each other
Whether there is anything there to begin with
     Or whether the endless winter 
has driven me mad

     If you ask me what I think,
I'll say "No, I've never heard of it"
     But I'm afraid of what the possibilities might be

And deep inside, I feel the darkness in my heart
     As my eyes wander upon that which is fair and beautiful
          That which was never meant to be mine

Though words are only air
     we need air to live
If I open my mouth,
     must it come true?

Oh, the despair of the howling wind
     as the ringing in my ears fades, dies
heaven's waterfall slows to a trickle
     and thunder is a distant memory

I remember you there asleep
     smiling softly at your dreams
And me not knowing what to think
     What you think
And where the apologies even begin
     When I lie to myself
My universe turns to disorder

What are you thinking
     or do you even care?

I draw a breath to ask.

But it's always easier to turn away.
©1994 by Victor Ganata