There Is No Problem...

Sat, May 25, 2002 07:02PM -0600

T minus 4 days 12 hours 58 minutes

There was a lot I wanted to write last night, but the pain was much too acute and overwhelming to actually put into words. The feeling of wanting to get something out but not being able to is quite an unpleasant one--the mental equivalent of dry heaving, I suppose.

Now the acute phase has passed, and while I suppose I'm in a more reasonable frame of mind now, I still don't really want to articulate my hopelessness. It's too much for my mind to handle, honestly. It's like someone took all my internal mental furniture and completely rearranged it. I'm in total disarray.

But, yes, I know I'm being vague. I suppose lately I've gotten in the habit of dancing around the issue at hand. But, seriously, there really isn't anything more to say. I know, I know. Everyone tells me to get over it. And well I should. This is clearly the only reasonable course of action given the circumstances, as best as I understand them. But why, oh, why is so hard to put those words into action. Why can't I let go?

Oh, sure, it's not every day you meet someone you feel like you can tell anything to. (And I wonder if that was part of my problem.... Anyway. There's seriously no point in disinterring the past.) I mean, people who are this unique don't exactly show up every day of the week. But still. Intellectually, I know this is no excuse for me to wallow in this emotional quagmire. There are things I need to get done. In many ways, the trajectory of my life hangs in the balance, and I can't let myself get sidetracked by this.

And yet. I can't grapple with this change. Seriously. I feel like a ship whose hull has been breached. No matter how much you bail, you are still going to sink. There comes a time when you have to abandon ship.


And still, still, despite knowing these things and understanding them intellectually, despite never-ending conversations with good friends on both the East and West Coast rehashing the exact same points and the exact same solutions to my problems, I am crippled. I cannot move at all except to writhe in agony.

In all truth, I should know better. If anything, my life has proven that time heals all wounds. Maybe not perfectly, but it definitely hurts a lot less as the days go by. So I know that someday, this too shall pass. And yet right now, my heart aches, as if it were going to ache forever. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't think straight. This is clearly incompatible with life.

I don't know what to do except brood and sulk. Come Thursday, I will have to face the moment of Truth, and honestly, I'm not sure if I can face it head on and do my best. At this point, all I'm hoping for is survival, and then the long, lonely road Homeward.


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