T minus 56 hours 9 minutes
Day of wrath, that day, the world dissolves into ashes....
Let me say it again, mantra-like: I am so screwed.
From abysmal depression to smoldering rage to delirious desperation to the tranquility of the doomed, I feel like I have gone through all the seasons of the year in these past three days. Indeed, I have found myself reviewing the past four years of my life, trying to separate the good parts from the hurt. I'm finding the task monumental. Though tears have been shed and blood has been spilt, I still cannot extricate this poison from my soul, and I cannot keep the pain behind the dam forever. Yet somehow I have to lay my shattered dreams to rest, and face the world, empty-handed yet still brave.
Melodramatic, I know.
Seriously, if I can only rid myself of this encumbering feeling of futility, maybe I might actually find a foothold to stand on, maybe I might actual learn something from this mess and make sure it never happens again. I feel like I'm walking away from, no, clambering out of, another smoking crater where a 20 kiloton bomb went off, and the ringing in my ears hasn't really stopped, I really don't know which way is up, and I can barely breathe.
Why, oh why, does this kind of shit always happen to me? I understand why things never turn out the way I want them to, but I don't understand why I can never manage to keep away from these situations in the first place. It's like I keep sticking my hand in the fire even though I know I'm going to get burned.
I mean, sure, deep down inside, I hope that someday things will turn out right for me, but as the days go by, as the years elapse, as the wounds scar over until there's nothing left but scars, one day I won't even dare. Like a seed planted in the darkness, I will just wither, and everything that I could be will never come to pass. If only, and if only.
Well.
Times like this, I find it very difficult to be optimistic.
If only, and if only. I can weep and shout, rant and rave, and it won't make a damned difference, and yet my soul feels lacerated and inflamed. I feel like I've been kicked in the chest a couple of times, and punched in the stomach for good measure. And I feel like there's more of the same awaiting me just around the corner.
In the end, what the problem is is that I don't understand. I am completely bewildered. I don't even know where to begin. Which thread should I even pull in order to unravel the vast tapestry of events which led me to this moment? How do I even go about trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me? Why can I never set my heart on a possible thing?
Oh, I know. This too shall pass. And yet, despite all my talk about active waiting and the Art of Not Wanting, my heart aches and yearns. I cannot deny this riven sensation I am feeling, this sense of dread for the future about always and forever feeling empty and profoundly alone. If there's absolutely no hope, what's the point? If I can't change, if I cannot be loved, if I don't even know how to love, then why? Where is the sense in all of this?
In the end, all I really want to know is why the hell I'm even here. I feel completely lost and forsaken, with no sense of purpose or direction. And no one can help me. Somehow I've got to find the answers to questions I don't know how to ask, can't even figure out how to ask. I feel like I'm trying to fix things by just randomly moving around different parts of my soul, shaking the gears and levers around a bit, hoping against all hope that something will click, somehow this will all make sense, and I might know why.
I feel like I'm shaking my fist at the sky. Times like this I just want to crawl into a hole and curl up into a ball and be done with everything. I can't possibly continue to live my life this way.
And yet, tomorrow is a new day. This dying ember of hope that keeps me going day to day is killing me, and yet I fear for the day when it finally all turns to complete ash. I suppose desperation is better than apathy.
Bah. I could keep going on and on, circles within circles, but none of this will save me. I feel like what I need, I cannot just ask for. Somehow serendipity will have to lead me to it, but I am so getting torn up and cut along the way. I just want to feel OK with everything, and even this seems to be elusive.
e-mail: aswang@earthlink.net
The design for this page was adapted from Mark Olson's design Retooled, which can be found at Open Source Web Design. Download the sample page.