Pre-emptive Strike

Thu, May 23, 2002 05:58PM -0600

T minus 6 days 14 hours 2 minutes

So. Before I feel guilty and get all defensive about not trying, let me write this down.

(I already know I will be chided for once again making excuses.)

I'm trying to get out of this particular episode of my life as quickly as possible, to the point where I am contemplating moving up my test date. (Yes, I know that would be completely insane.) Seriously, I am thoroughly disgusted with my lack of progress through these past three years, and my continued persistence in this environment only reminds me of my failures. I know that my particular strategy with coping with this sort of thing is highly flawed, but I really don't know what else to do. What can I really do but retreat, regroup, and live to fight another day?

But seriously, I feel like I'm out of gas here. Every interaction, even with people only tangentially related to my latest debacle, takes a toll on me, and I'm so afraid of leaving myself open that I've pretty much decided to just cower in my own little emotional bunker and await my doom. Little things here and there might cause the embers of my heart to flare up once in awhile, but they die down rather quickly, and right now I don't have the energy to dare and take a chance. I refuse to get out there again and get shot at, not for anything, even if salvation itself came banging at my door.

My cup is empty.

All I want to do is rest. Somewhere far away from here, where everyone will just leave me alone. I'd like to say that maybe there I can gather my thoughts, but I don't want to be overly optimistic here. I'm convinced that the answers don't lie anywhere where I can find them. One day maybe, if I open myself up to the universe enough, it'll hit me, it'll all be obvious, but right now I feel like I'm so closed up that it's a wonder I don't implode.

All I can think of is going Home. I am utterly, completely defeated.

e-mail: aswang@earthlink.net

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