So I'm sitting there letting all sorts of madness run through my brain. It doesn't really matter whether I'm right or not, it's close enough, it might as well be, and despite everything I've told myself today, everything I've told myself all week, everything I've told myself my entire life in order to keep my spirits up and to keep me from giving up--all these things didn't seem to help one bit as I squirmed in silent, interminable agony.
Five minutes more, and maybe I would have just stood up and left without a single word, leaving everyone wondering, just to be out of there, just to be away, not that being by myself would necessarily be any better, but when you get to that point in your mind, you're not thinking further than the next five minutes, and you're more likely than not simply irrational. I felt like I was dying, internal hemorrhage from the heart, heartbeat slowing with every breath. I wish I could've blacked out so that I didn't have to know. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is a sharp stabbing pain in the chest.
So. The challenge is to try and go to sleep, and try to look forward to waking up tomorrow. All the fight in me has been squeezed out, I really feel like I've gone through the ringer here, wondering where all my hard-fought, newly-won wisdom has evaporated to. Maybe I haven't learned a single goddamned thing. The only thing that makes this marginally bearable is the realization that either one of these times things might actually go right, or one of these times it will actually finally kill me.
Ah hell, I feel physically sick. Whatever.
e-mail: aswang@earthlink.net
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