It's amazing, really. How a person can get caught in the same old patterns. Even when they think that they're doing things differently.
Despite knowing that I am who I am, nothing more but nothing less, I cannot for the life of me help but think: What the hell is wrong with me?
Oh, I'm not being fatalistic, thinking that somehow I'm trapped in these recursive patterns of endless misery no matter what I do. I know that at various points, in various scenarios, I've screwed up, sometimes big-time. But the problem is, I don't know what I did, and I don't know when I did it. I just have this sick sinking feeling that it's all wrong, it's all fucked up. I don't know if it was because of my actions or because of my inaction or if the outcomes really have nothing to do with me whatsoever, I just managed to get in the way.
See, in the end, it doesn't matter if it's all my fault or if Fate is simply conspiring against me. Either way, if I don't actively try to fight the feeling, if I just let my guard down, then it just hurts to be alive, and at this point, nothing I say or do will make it stop.
Time heals all wounds, and it's true, but somehow I keep managing to get myself cut in the exact same way. I don't know how to keep it from happening. I don't know how to change, even though I know that that's the only way to make it stop. I know that I have to figure out the answers for myself, that in the end, I'm the only one who can help myself, and that it's much too soon to give up entirely, but, honestly, I'm stuck.
Oh well. Whatever. As they say, life goes on.
e-mail: aswang@earthlink.net
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