Tue, May 28, 2002 11:53AM -0600

T minus 44 hours 7 minutes

I feel like I have finally fought my way to the surface, despite the aching burn in my chest and the numbness in my limbs.

I always seem to forget to breathe.

No, nothing has changed. It is only the atavistic fear of drowning that has driven me up to the air. I am still long lonely leagues away from any shore, but I suppose I have more time available than I want to believe I do.

Despite this hollow feeling of incompleteness, I have come to realize that whatever I am right now is good enough for the present. Whatever tools I need to deal with now are within my grasp. I am who I am right now, there's no changing that. For good or for ill. Whatever happens, I have to deal with it in the way I know how. I cannot keep hoping for divine intervention to sort all this madness out.

This is not to say that I've solved anything, only that I realize that as long as I can still float, I might as well go on. There's no need to drown myself quite yet.

Don't mistake me. I have no illusions about reaching shore any time soon.

I can only be brave. Nothing else will save me.


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