Clearly, it is impossible to regret something that you had no control over, and I suppose that's what this all comes down to. It's not that I'm going to let things happen the way they always do (and they really always seem to. Maybe, as Bram suggested, deep down inside I really do like feeling miserable.) After all, it's not up to me whether things happen one way or the other. The only thing I can do is to decide whether or not I will let it affect me. Easier said than done. No, even that's inaccurate. The most I can probably do is to decide how much it will affect me.
(I can't but help feel sorry for myself. Why can't it ever go right?)
But I got an e-mail the other day pointing me to this e-postcard, which is apparently a very popular piece of spam. (Check out the referrer log. I'm not even the first person to blog about it or even the last.) Given the coincidental timing with my pathetic blog entry the other day and the fact that the e-postcard is anonymous, in my more solipsistic moments, I feel like someone is fucking with me. But maybe it was just mere innocent spammage, randomly bouncing hither and thither through the ether, having absolutely nothing to do with me at all.
Hope is not an option. I think the most I can manage right now is the will to survive. And in my most pathetic moments of self-pity, I feel that sometimes even that is under question.
Man, I'm pathetic. Whatever. You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them....
(And the voice of Gloria Gaynor... or maybe Cake... starts lilting in my head: "At first I was afraid, I was petrified...." Not that it really has anything to do with anything. Very few things do in my universe. <grin>)